


The taste of blood and love

by Amrais



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Eating Disorders, Family, Family Issues, Friendship, Hurt Merlin, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Injury, Love, M/M, MMA fighting, Mental Institution (past), Mild Sexual Content, Morgana is the best sister ever, Mutual Pining, Neighbors, Protective Arthur, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, past abusive relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2018-11-22 20:02:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 30,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11387394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amrais/pseuds/Amrais
Summary: Someone new has moved into the flat next to Arthur.These are the flats for the people that are broke, lonely or hiding from something.Arthur has cut ties with his rich family and now tries to make a living on his own, while Merlin is running from his past.It's an unspoken rule, that in places like this you ignore your neighbors.But an unfortunate incident brings them together, and they fall in love with each other slowly.When Merlin gets sick, Arthur is determined to get him the best medical care available.Just how, without money?





	1. Aching muscles

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize to the readers who already subscribed, left kudos and bookmarks to this story. I wanted to make it longer, but as you can't update an chapter itself, I decided to delet it and post it anew. I'm very sorry for this inconvenience...
> 
> English is not my first language, please point out any mistakes!

Arthur really has a bad day, or rather a bad week and if he was honest with himself, it even has been a string of bad months.  
And that's why he is screaming at this kid in front of him. He knows the guy probably doesn't deserves to be treated like that, but in his rage, he doesn't care. He has starved himself to pay his bills and now, this pimpled teenager tells him, that he would have no warm water and no heating till Monday. That's two days, two days in his icy cold flat.  
“I-I’m sorry Sir,” the boy stammers .  
“The technician will not be available before Monday. Nobody has warm water or heating right now.” The guy says, wringing his hands.  
“I payed for it, so either you call someone to fix the heating over the weekend or I'm getting my money back.” Arthur shouts, towering over the poor boy. He knows, that by now he's really scaring him, he can tell by the way the boys Adam’s apple is jumping up and down nervously.  
He nearly feels sorry for the guy, but only nearly. He just is too angry to let it go. All he needs after a day like this is a hot shower and a few hours of mindlessly watching Telly, both of these things now are denied to him, by an incapable house keeper, who on top of neglecting his duties to keep an eye on the heating installation of the building, now has send his son to deal with the angry renters. Arthur doubts that he has been the first one to scream at this kid today.

“That's enough now.” Someone says behind him and Arthur furiously turns around, to see who has the guts to stick his nose into his business.  
It's a lanky boy, around his age with messy dark hair and bright blue eyes. His ears stick out a bit, but that's not too prominent, not as much as his high cheekbones and straight nose and these lips, anytime ready to curl into a smile, although he's not smiling now. He rather tries to stare Arthur down. A futile attempt, Arthur has dealt with way scarier people than this ridiculous stick figure.  
He's about to unleash his temper upon this guy, who dares to interfere, when he notices that Viv is starting to tremble. Great, know he's scaring his own dog, too.  
He shoots the boy on the other side of the desk one last hateful glance.  
“You better fix it quick.” He advises him, before he turns to the intruder again.  
“And you better don't mess with me, I'm a trained fighter.” He warns and puffs his chest out a bit, even if his shoulders are hurting and he has no intention to put up a fight with someone two sizes smaller than himself.  
He clicks his tongue to indicate for Viv that they are leaving.  
“Your muscles don't give you the right to be rude.” The stranger lectures him and Arthur bumps his shoulder deliberately into the other man, when he and his dog walk out of the office.  
“All muscles, no brain, eh?” He hears him say when he's already out of the door. “The usual.”  
He thinks about going back in and show this loudmouth what his muscles are actually able to do, but he decides against it. It would only confirm the others opinion.  
But it hurts him to hear what other people are thinking of him. And it hurts so much, because it still troubles him, that he had to drop out of Uni, he just couldn't make it. Learning and working to make his living just didn't work out. His grades were good, but not good enough to get a studentship, and he doesn't get any government aid, as his father is a rich man.  
Nobody cares, that they haven't spoken to each other in five years. Nobody cares that he hates his father and rather scrapes by the way he does, rather would eat canned soup for months, than to take money from him. The last thing he hears, before he finally walks out of earshot is, that the guy demands the key for the apartment 105.  
Trust his rotten luck to place a new, annoying neighbor next to him.  
Fortunately, in buildings like this, nobody could care less about the people living next to them.

Merlins hands are trembling, when he turns the key in the lock. Now, that the adrenaline subsidies, regret sets in. He shouldn't have butted in earlier. Hasty actions like that, will only attract attention to him. And that's the last thing he wants to happen. He moved here to become invisible, a ghost amongst other ghosts. But he couldn't just stand by and watch that big chav, with fighting dog of course, bully that poor guy. Never again, he would let iniquity like that happen. Not to him and not to anyone else. Angrily, he gives the door a shove with his shoulder, because it seems to be jammed. Finally the door gives way and he stumbles into his new apartment. It's just a one-room flat with a tiny bathroom and a petite kitchenette. The floor is some cheap laminate, but it at least looks like wood, so that's fine.  
There are two large windows, bathing the flat in the soft orange light of the sinking autumn sun, it makes the run down apartment almost look cozy. Almost.  
It is freezing however, and Merlin feels a bit more sympathy with the rude guy from earlier. He doesn't have many things, only two suitcases with clothes and books. He took only a few with him, just the ones with a dedication inside them, the ones that are irreplaceable. It breaks his heart to think about the ones he left behind.  
What will he do to them? Tear apart every page? Burn them in the backyard?  
He shakes his head to banish these thoughts. Books are just lifeless things, even if they seem to be so full of life, they can't feel pain, not like him, who still feels the dull ache of fading bruises.  
He unpacks the kettle he bought today and plugs it in.  
Then he frees his favorite mug from the thick layers of newspaper it is wrapped in. Somewhere in his bag he has some teabags, he's sure about that.  
“Aha.” He says triumphant when he pulls out some lightly crumpled bags of earl grey, he smiles and hums to himself when he puts the bag into his cup. A peaceful feeling overcomes him, at last.  
He calls his mum, to let her know that he has arrived safely, when the water is starting to boil.


	2. Full stomach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go Siaa, got a bit time left yesterday and wrote something... hope you enjoy, all of you

Arthur sighs and shakes his head again.  
“No boys, I won't let you in. You're already too drunk. Sod off!" He crosses his arms over his chest.  
One of the three boys he's denying access to the club, pulls out 20£ and waves them in front of his face.  
“Come on mate, you’ll get something extra.” He slurs and grins.  
Arthur really is tempted to let them in and take the money. He could buy a decent meal with it. A steak and chips, maybe. But again he shakes his head.  
After three years of working as a doorman, he has enough experience to know, that this guys mean trouble. He's not risking his job for only 20£. So he lowers his head and squints at the lad warningly.  
“I already said no, so fuck of and try it somewhere else, before I loose my temper.” He advises them and finally they stumble on, ready to try another bar or club, but not without making rude gestures in his direction.  
He sits back down on his bar stool, sighing again.  
He remembers the times he carelessly was throwing money around just like them. He was born rich and never thought twice about money. Now he's turning every penny three times, before spending it. 

It's already nine in the morning when he opens the door to his flat. Viv greets him by the door, squealing out of joy to see him. He kneels down to pet her.  
“Hey girl,” he says smiling, while she presses her large head into his side. She's completely white, with one large black patch over her left eye.  
He never liked bull terriers, he always thought that they looked strange, but then a guy at the gym had complained about this puppy he had bought, said he would give her to an animal shelter, because she was too skittish for his liking, he wanted to have a ‘real fighting dog’. So Arthur took her in.  
He had to taker her home using the underground; and he still remembers how he had the small, scared puppy wrapped in his jacked, pressed to his chest, so close that he could feel her tiny heart beat, the whole long way home.  
He loops her collar around her neck and clips the leash in to take her for a walk, before he goes to sleep.

His new neighbor is walking down the hall, packed with two big paper bags full of groceries. His small frame seems to sway under the weight. He's attempting to walk a wide arch around Viv, but there's no room in the small corridor.  
“You don't have to be afraid, you know? She's friendly.” Arthur says, stepping a bit aside to let the other man pass.  
Merlin takes his time to set his bags down. Then he looks at his neighbor with suspicion. Why is he nice to him, all of a sudden.  
The other one seems to sense his insecurity.  
“Look, you caught me on the wrong foot the other day.” The man says and Merlin thinks that's the closest thing to an apology he’ll get. He nods.  
“Can I pet her?” He asks.  
“You can try, she's a bit shy.” The other man says. Merlin squats down and extends his hand. Cautiously she comes closer, sniffing his hand. Then she licks over it. “What's her name?” Merlin asks.  
“Viv.”  
“Like Vivian?”  
“No, like vivere… yes, I do have a qualification in Latin. Not just muscles.” He says a bit too sharp and Merlin blushes and busies himself with carefully scratching the dogs tummy, as she has rolled on her back by now.  
“She seems to like you.” The guy remarks surprised and smiles down at them. Merlin smiles back and gets up again.

“I'm Merlin,” he says, extending his hand to the owner.  
The blonde raises an eyebrow “Merlin?” He asks, “Quite unique. I'm Arthur.” He shakes Merlins hand.  
Merlin tries to smile his fear away, maybe he shouldn't have chosen such an unusual name. Of course it would attract attention. But Arthur doesn't seem to dwell on it.  
“Funny.” Merlin nervously pulls his hand back and fidgets with his keys.  
“Yeah,” Arthur agrees. “Well, strange things happen. See you around Merlin.” He holds his hand up for a goodbye.  
“Yeah, see you.” Merlin says, somehow deflated and watches Arthur walk away. 

In his flat, Merlin is pacing, wringing his hands. Arthur's surprised reaction to his name is setting off a slight panic. Nobody has reacted like Arthur when he told them his name. But these were all people who couldn't care less.  
Nervously, he unpacks his groceries, ripping open the crisps. Hastily he shoves them into his mouth, hoping that eating will distract him. It always does. 

When Arthur comes back from his walk, loud music is blaring from Merlin’s flat and Arthur frowns. At least this time it didn't wake him.  
He doesn't bother to knock at Merlins door and ask him to turn it down, because he will do it on his own accord. The first time Merlin turned up the music, it woke Arthur with a start and he was angrily half out of his apartment to go over to tell him to turn it the fuck down, when suddenly it stopped. This pattern has repeated itself a few times, since the two weeks Merlin was living next to him. Arthur would be lying if he wouldn't admit, that he was curious what Merlin was doing then, to need loud music as a cover up. Ah well, maybe he was watching porn.  
At least he knows that the walls are paper thin and they can hear each other sneez. The couple that lived there before didn't know, or just didn't care. Arthur really is thankful that they moved out.  
Arthur decides to get a drink in until the music stops, before he's going to put some earplugs in and go to sleep for a few hours.  
10 minutes he listens to the slightly muffled sound of the Dead Kennedys, until the music stops in the middle of Holiday in Cambodia.  
What a shame, he thinks, finishing his glass.  
He lies down on his bed, waiting until Viv has hopped on it too and curled up in the hollow of his knees or at his feet, before he closes his eyes. He never had thought he would let a dog sleep in his bed, but he can't deny her anything.

The sun already is setting when he wakes up again. A little bit too late to go to the gym today, he thinks.  
Then he remembers that he has promised to call his sister, so they could arrange a meeting. They see each other way too infrequently.  
He calls her home number, as she should be home from work now. He jumps in surprise when a man answers the phone.  
“Pendragon?” He immediately recognizes his fathers voice and his heart is starting to beat faster and his body sizzles with worry.  
“What are you doing at Morgana's place?” He snaps.  
“Arthur?” His father asks calmly. “Well hello to you too, son.” He says mockingly.  
“Where's Morgana?” Arthur asks through his teeth.  
“Your sisters’ sick, Arthur.” Uther states. Arthur can feel a shiver run down his spine.  
“What is it, how bad is it?”  
“We don't really know yet, it's probably pneumonia. She's not too well.” His father voice sounds slightly choked and that what scares Arthur the most.  
“Hold on, I’m coming.” He says quickly.  
“Should I send a car to pick you up?” Uther asks smoothly and Arthur hesitates, before he agrees. It would take him ages to get there, using the tube.  
“15 minutes.” Uther says softly, before ending the call. 

Arthur is using the time to pull on his best dress shirt and a clean pair of jeans. He doesn't want his father to see him in his everyday clothes. He's too proud to let him know how much he's struggling with money.  
He tries to fix his hair, when the bell rings.  
“Your car is here, Sir.” Someone says into the speaker.  
“Coming.” Arthur yells, grabbing his keys and wallet running down the stairs, Viv at his heels.

He has to admit that it is a nice feeling to glide through the nightly city, sitting in the backseat of a luxury class, the engine only purring quietly, like a big, content cat. He looks out of the window and would like to kick himself for enjoying this luxury.  
‘That's how he's trying to lure you back into the family, so he can control you again’, Arthur reminds himself.  
Morgana has a gorgeous loft in the city center with a incredible view over the city, but Arthur has no eyes for it, when he storms into her flat.  
His father is standing by the large window front, back turned to him.  
“Where's my sister?” Arthur demands harshly, he doesn't have the patience to deal with his father’s games.  
“Hello Arthur,” his father says lazily, turning around slow, his gaze just shortly grazing the dog by his side, lips twitching in disgust.  
“I haven't seen you in a while. Let me look at you.” His piercing eyes wander over Arthur's body.  
“You do look a bit haggard, son. Are you eating enough?”  
If Arthur didn't know better, he could think that his father is speaking with real concern for him. But he has learned long ago, that with his father, it's all trickery, just to get him what he wants.  
“And you are looking a lot older than last time I saw you.” He retorts, aiming at his fathers pride.  
Uther just opens his mouth to come back with something, when Morgana pads into the room.  
She does look pale and her nose is a bit red, but she looks a long way from being deadly sick.  
“What's going on here?” She wants to know.  
“Arthur, what are you doing here?” She's honestly surprised.  
Arthur turns to hug his sister. “How are you Morgana? Shouldn't you be in bed?”  
Morgana blinks at him, puzzled. “What are you talking about? Why are you so upset?”  
“Da…Uther told me you were really sick, pneumonia, he said.“ Arthur explains, already suspecting that he has been played.  
„You don't have pneumonia, do you?“ He asks.  
Morgana slowly shakes her head. „No I don't, it's just a cold.“ She says and sneezes promptly.  
“You, you lied to me!” Arthur angrily accuses his father. “You made me think that she's sick."  
“Uther!” Morgana says scandalized.  
Uther shrugs his shoulders. “Is it a crime, that I wanted to see my son?” He says, hoping for his daughters sympathy, but Morgana is just as angry as her brother.  
“I think you should go now!” She says coldly.  
Uther seems to realize that he stands no chance against both his children and turns to leave. But before he walks out of the door, he turns around again.  
“You could have all this Arthur, and more, if you'd only come back. Work for the company. You could study if you want, whatever you want. You don't have to live like that.” The last words he spits out with disgust.  
“So you could have control over me again, lock me up when you feel like it?” Arthur shakes his head. “I rather work till I drop down dead, than to be dependent on you again.”  
“I only did what was best for you.”  
His father says softly, what makes Arthur so angry, that he wants to punch the wall, but he can't do that in front of his sister, it would scare her. So he only clenches his teeth and counts to ten. 

“I'm sorry…” Morgana apologizes when Uther finally is gone. “I didn't know, he would use me against you.”  
“I should know better than to trust him.” Arthur says, “I'm just glad you are okay.” He kisses her on her head.  
“Are you hungry?” Morgana asks, getting comfortable on the couch, scratching Viv’s ears. “What about ordering Sushi? My treat.” She adds quickly.  
Arthur hesitates, he doesn't want his sister to pay for him, but first, it won't hurt her wallet and second, how long since he had something fancy like Sushi? He can't even remember.  
“But you have to order a lot, I didn't eat since yesterday.” He warns her.  
Morgana looks at him with bright eyes and pursed lips.  
“My dear brother, I really do worry about you.”  
He shrugs her concern off with one shoulder and sits down next to her.


	3. Nerves

Months have gone by and Merlin has settled down a bit. He feels safe here, where nobody knows him. He has found a job in a little bookshop in one of the more wealthy parts of the city, still they don't pay much, but it's enough not to need money from his mother anymore. And for the first time in years, he actually can make use of his degree in medieval literature.  
He takes pride in his everyday routine, getting up at seven in the morning, drinking his tea, reading the paper without having to rush. There's nobody he has to consider anymore, and he's grateful that, when he wakes up, he doesn't have that nagging feeling of worry anymore. He can lie in his bed, wake up slow and doesn't need to wonder in which mood the man next to him, will be in. Because there's no one. He doesn't need to tiptoe around in his own home and he relishes that peaceful solitude.  
He always has been afraid to be alone. Maybe that's why he stayed so long, because he was afraid of being lonely. But it's not loneliness that plagues him, but the fear to be found.  
This apartment, mouldy as it might be, is his cocoon. Outside he always feels a bit nervous, too much going on around him, too much he has too deal with all of a sudden. For three years he has lived in some kind of a bubble, far away from any reality that was not his boyfriend or their home.  
Last week he had three dunning letters in the letterbox, simply because he forgot to pay his bills.  
He had taken care of all the financial stuff and Merlin, who never was good with keeping up his paperwork had been thankful for it, noticing far too late, that he had given up a huge part of his independence  
So he had to leave with only the few pounds he had been able to safe. It just was enough to buy a train ticket to the little village up north, where his mother lives.  
She had cried for two hours after he finally had told her what had happened, a tamed version of course.  
He only took two days at her place, before he made the arrangements for his move to London. He couldn't stand her misty eyes, every time she looked at him and he still was afraid that he would come after him.  
But his mother has assured him, that nobody called her and he hadn't been there to look for him. Maybe he really was so unimportant, that he wouldn't come after him. 

He looks out of the window, trying to shake these thoughts. The sun is pale, making the grey buildings around only look more depressing.  
He is about to return his gaze to his paper again, when he sees a lonely figure with dog appear between the houses. Arthur is back from his morning run. Merlin watches him slow down, bending over, his hands on his knees to catch his breath.  
It's not like he's watching him, not really, but he knows his routine.  
He tells himself that he knows, because he likes to know what is going on around him. But if he's honest with himself he finds his new neighbor interesting.  
He seems to be hard working, driven by an undying energy, but at the same time totally at ease with himself.  
Merlin can't even remember the last time he was feeling good about himself. He is trying hard to get it back. It's the little things he can't do anymore. Like reading a book, without feeling like a lazy sod or appreciate when someone is friendly to him, without thinking that they might have a hidden agenda.  
It's not like he's hearing his voice, telling him all these things, he used to tell him over and over again, but they have seeped into his mind, settled there and are so hard to shake.  
Sometimes he can't even distinguish anymore if these suspicions and insecurities are his own thoughts or the things that have been thumbed into him over the past three years.  
Merlin sighs and rises his cup out in the sink.  
He simply has to accept that the ghosts of this relationship are still haunting him. They won't fade away that quickly.  
Well, time to get ready for work. 

Arthur carefully sips from his coffee, while he watches Merlin hurry over to the bus stop to get the bus into town. His bag threatens to slip off his small shoulders a few times.  
‘God, he could do with some meat on his bones.’ He thinks. ‘Not sure he eats enough.’  
But then he shakes his head about himself angrily. It's non of his business and he's getting concerned for someone he hardly has exchanged a few words with.  
He knows that he has the tendency to get overprotective easily. Morgana always complained about it.  
He puts his mug down with a thud, he only has one hour, before he has to wait at table. He better should be going. 

Merlin stares into Space, his mouth hanging open lightly, with a book in his hands, apparently miles away. Gwen touches his shoulder.  
“Merlin? Are you dreaming?” She asks amused.  
Merlin startles badly, book gliding out of his hands when he leaps.  
“I'm sorry…I'm sorry.” He mumbles frantically, while he bends down to pick up the book.  
When he places it meekly back on the table, Gwen stares at him, her face pale and her expression is confused.  
“I- I'm so sorry Merlin, I didn't mean to scare you…” she apologizes, wary of his reaction.  
Merlin can feel his face heat up. Embarrassed about his overreaction. 

He always got angry when he caught him dreaming.  
Well not at first. At first he had liked it, saying things like:  
“You are my little dreamer, aren't you? ” this had changed into an annoyed “are you dreaming again?  
Until it had turned into an angry  
“Stop dreaming, it will never take you anywhere, God, I’m so tired of your laziness!” 

“I'm gonna make us some tea",  
Gwen announces, still a bit unsure about herself, and disappears into the back of the shop. Merlin takes some deep breaths. 

He really had been dreaming, strangely enough about Arthur. Well, not about Arthur per se, but as he was translating this medieval poem into a more current English, something a customer had asked for, the heroes traits suddenly had modeled into Arthur's features.  
This isn't an unusual occurrence for Merlin, he often imagines the characters of the texts he is reading, with features of people he knows.  
Gwen as an example, had been more then once a noblewoman or a princess. But Arthur, being hero material? It had fit unexpectedly well...

But then Gwen had startled him and brought him back to reality.  
Here, there are no heroes, no adventures... He only is a worthless bookworm, trying to get on with his pointless life.  
He takes the tea from Gwen and goes to work again, trying to ignore her concerned sideway glances. 

He goes shopping before he goes home, he knows it is the wrong thing to do, his fridge is still half full, but he needs this. The slip up with Gwen left him on edge and there's only one way to calm his nerves. 

He hurries into the lobby of the building and nearly bumps into Arthur, who is checking for his mail.  
“Alright, Merlin?” Arthur asks and frowns slightly as Merlin tries to apologize.  
Suddenly Arthur makes a movement into his direction and Merlin instinctively flinches, but Arthur just delicately picks up the shopping bags next to Merlin and carries them upstairs. Of course the lift is out of order, again.  
Merlin follows behind him, too confused to protest or do anything else.  
Arthur places the shopping on Merlin's doormat and smiles at him.  
“There we go. Good night, Merlin.”  
He says and lets himself into his own flat. Merlin doesn't even have the time to thank him. 

In his bathroom, Arthur runs his fingers through his hair and asks himself if he's really that scary, that he makes other people flinch. He hopes not. He grabs his sports bag and leaves for the gym.

Arthur gasps, when Percy lands a particular painful puch to his liver.  
Percy takes his hands down and stops moving.  
"What's up with you today, Arthur? You are totally unfocused." He asks, a bit concerned.  
Arthur spits his mouthgard into his gloved hand.  
"Yeah I know, I'm sorry Percy." He apologizes, but he doesn't offer an explanation. Because he can't tell Percy that he's thinking about his neighbor. About the sadness in his blue eyes, about the air of depression that he had sensed, when he saw him earlier.  
"If you can't concentrate, we should stop for today, before you get seriously hurt." Percy pulls off his gloves.  
"Are you up for a drink?"  
Arthur nods, a bit of distraction from his stupid crush on Merlin wouldn't go amiss.. 

Merlin turns the music up. He wouldn't need too, he doesn't care if Arthur or his other neighbors can hear him, besides that, he's pretty sure Arthur left a while ago. But the music is part of the ritual.  
He hates every aspect of what he's about to do.  
He hates the noise, he hates the smell and he hates the burning in his throat and nose. But this is the only way he gets his mind and body to relax.  
He craves the feeling afterwards. The exhaustion, the calmness, just feeling utterly empty. There will be nothing but sleep, welcoming him with open arms.  
So he kneels down in front of the toilet.


	4. Split lip

Arthur loves the feeling before getting into the ring with someone he doesn’t know. Adrenaline is spiking his senses, while he’s entirely by himself and concentrated. It’s better than every friendly sparring ever will be.

The first half of the fight is going fairly well and he has the upper hand, but then his opponent manages a low side kick, that nearly swipes him off his feet.  
In an attempt to keep his balance he lowers his guard and promptly gets hit by an uppercut, his head flying back from the force. Before he can recover from it, the other one lands a jap punch, right into his face.  
He thinks his lip is busted, he can taste blood, mingled with sweat, running into his mouth. He sidesteps the next punch and gets a haymaker in, followed by a front kick that sends the other man reeling.  
Arthur lunges forward and pins him down in the side control. Now he’s going to win this fight. While the other tries to sweep, he rearranges his legs over the others shoulder, managing to get his opponent into a shoulder lock.  
Sure enough the other taps the mat after a few seconds and Arthur releases him. They touch each other’s gloves and nod, they are both too out of breath to voice that it was a good fight. 

Percy claps his shoulder, before himself getting ready to step in the ring.  
Arthur goes to look for Leon, so he can tend to his lip.

Percy drives him home afterwards.  
“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you to the hospital?” He asks, when he cuts the engine.  
Arthur nods. “Leon said everything was fine, just a bit ice on the bruises and I’ll be ok.” He says.  
“Well, I trust Leon, but he’s not a fully qualified doctor, yet.”  
“I know, but I’m fine. A little bit sore, maybe.”  
“Alright, call me, if you need anything.” Percy says sternly.  
“I will.” Arthur promise. “It was a really good fight tonight. You were great.” He gets out of the car and gathers his bag from the backseat. Percy waves, when he drives off.

There’s a big bruise forming on his left side, just under the rip cage and another one on his right calf, it hurts, when he bends down to pet his dog and put her collar on.  
He doesn’t walk far, just a short round, circling the building, he’s too tired and sore for much more.  
Fumbling with his keys, he can feel how the cut over his lip opens again, he can feel the blood dripping down. It doesn’t bleed much and he carefully wipes it away with his hand. Finally he has found the right key and Viv is impatiently slipping into the flat, the moment he opens the door wide enough.  
A sudden dizzy spell makes him grip the doorframe for support. Maybe he should have had his head checked by a real doctor. But he figures as long as he doesn’t feel nauseous or has a headache, it’s rather exhaustion than a concussion. He takes a few deep breaths. He just needs to sleep. 

On Saturdays Merlin only works till two pm, so he’s home by three, not sure what he wants to do with the rest of the day.  
He stops dead in his tracks when he passes Arthur’s door. There a red blotches smeared on the doorframe that look a lot like blood.  
His heart his beating faster and his imagination is running wild with images of Arthur being hurt and lying in his flat, alone.  
5 minutes he stands outside and tries to talk himself out of interfering, knocking on that door, to see if Arthur’s alright.

He really shouldn’t get involved, getting involved with other people is not safe. But that’s just not how he is, he always cared about other people. He never could stand it, if anyone was in pain. Letting it go just isn’t him, that’s not how he was raised. 

So he knocks on that door.  
Viv starts to bark and after a bit, Merlin can hear Arthur shushing her.  
He isn’t prepared for the sight that greets him, when Arthur opens the door.  
There’s a cut left on his upper lip, clotted with dark blood, looking as if it’s already starting to heal, but still very painful. He’s shirtless and Merlin would have admired his broad chest, maybe, if the big bruise on the side wouldn’t distract him so much.  
“Hey Merlin.” Arthur says casually, while Merlin stares at him.  
“I know, this is not a beautiful sight, I’m sorry.” Arthur apologizes, wincing over the lip movement.  
“There's blood on your door, mate.” Merlin says lamely, before he can’t hold himself back and busts out:  
“What the hell happened?”  
Arthur tilts his head to the side and tries not to smile at Merlin’s worried expression. Smiling hurts.

“Had a fight yesterday.” He shrugs, “do you want to come in? I just was about to make myself some tea.”  
Really he wasn’t, because drinking tea through a straw is something awful. But despite everything he tells himself everyday, he wants to know more about his strange neighbor, so he isn’t going to waste this opportunity. 

Surprisingly enough, Merlin follows him into the flat. Kneeling down, to give Viv the attention she’s demanding.  
“So, what kind of fight?” Merlin asks suspicious, “Street fight, bar fight?”  
Arthur looks at him amused, “Noo,” he stretches the word to point out the absurdity, “box fight. Perfectly legal.” He pulls a t-shirt over his head, cursing under his breath.  
Merlin, who had been busy with scratching the dogs ears snaps his head up in alarm.  
“It hurts.” Arthur explains, irritated by Merlin’s startled expression.  
Merlin blushes and looks down at his hands again and Arthur can’t help himself than to find his shyness adorable.  
“How do you want your tea?”  
“Just a bit of milk, no sugar.” Arthur nods and fills their cups with water and milk and puts a spoonful sugar in the cup that is meant for him.  
“There you go.” He puts the mug down in front of his guest. Merlin immediately takes it in his hands, clinging to it like a lifeline. He turns the mug in his hands, pausing at the logo.  
“You are at the UCL?” He asks astonished.  
Arthur tries not to feel offended.  
“Told you, I’m not that stupid.”  
Merlin blushes again. “Sorry, that came out wrong. What do you study?”  
“I did study Archeology, but only for three semesters, then I had to leave, because I couldn’t afford it.” Arthur explains shortly, he doesn’t like to talk about it. He should have gone rid of the mug too, but he’s too sentimental for his own good.  
“I’m sorry.” Merlin whispers, catching on Arthur somber mood. Obvious feeling uncomfortable.  
Arthur tries a askew smile, just lifting the side that’s not injured. He thinks it probably looks more scary than reassuring.

“Right…” Arthur trails of, sipping at his tea through a straw, nearly burning his tongue.  
“I need to clean it a bit, before I put som liquid bandage on.” Arthur points at the cut, excusing himself.  
“Make yourself at home.” He says friendly, before he escapes into his bathroom. He takes some deep breaths.  
Merlin gets under his skin. There’s something about him, that feels off, but he can’t quite put a finger on it. There’s something in his eyes, a certain wariness, that reminds him of Viv, when she still expected him to kick her, like her previous owner had done.

Arthur sighs and runs a bit of water to dampen a washcloth. Wincing and swearing at the pain, when he drapes it over the cut.  
“You’re making it worse.”  
Arthur turns his head, to see Merlin standing by the door, watching him.  
“Here, let me do it.” He just needs one step to be next to him and Arthur notices just how long his slim legs are. Without a word he hands Merlin the washcloth and turns to him, to give him access to his face.  
He can feel Merlin’s long, cold fingers ghost over his skin, holding his chin gently in place, while he daps the washcloth carefully over the wound. Arthur closes his eyes, to shut out the pain and the feeling of Merlin being so close, he could count the nearly invisible freckles, spread out over the bridge of his nose and under the skin of his eyes. 

“It’s pretty deep.” Merlin states, when he got a better look at the cut.  
"I can drive you to the hospital, if you want to. I have a car.” He offers.  
“Do you think it needs stitches?” Arthur asks worriedly. Merlin shakes his head, “No, I don’t think so, but it will probably leave a scar.”  
Arthur sighs in relief. “ I don’t care if it leaves a scar. I hate hospitals, I don’t go, if I can avoid it.”  
Merlin thinks that this is a very reckless attitude, but he says nothing, he doesn’t want to stir a fight.  
Merlin washes the blood out of the washcloth, trying not to think of the countless times his own blood has formed a bright red swirl like this in the bathroom sink.  
He pushes these thoughts away, to the back of his mind.  
Diligent, he rubs disinfectant into his skin, before reaching for the antiseptic ointment. Arthur winces at the unexpected pain, when Merlin smears it over the cut, but otherwise he keeps still.  
Merlin applies the liquid bandage, watching it quickly form an elastic film over the injury.  
“I’m done.” He announces. Arthur turns to the mirror to look at himself.  
“Thank you.” He says, looking at Merlin again.  
“You are really good at that, it didn’t hurt all that much.” It’s an awkward compliment, but the only thing Arthur can think to make right now.  
Merlin shrugs his shoulders. “My mum’s a nurse and she always explained to me what she was doing, when she patched me up as a kid.” He tells him.  
“So you were a wild child?” Arthur asks with a smile, imagining Merlin as a young boy.  
“More like a dreamer, in constant search for fairy hills or rabbit holes, that would bring me to another world. I spend so many hours, playing in the woods.” Merlin smiles too, when he remembers his happy childhood, full of story’s and the freedom to go everywhere he wanted.  
Arthur’s amazed by Merlin’s smile, that changes his face so much. It’s the first real smile he has seen from him, and it is burning bright. 

“And what do you do now?” He asks to keep the conversation going, while he heads over to clean the blood off of his doorframe, no need to scare his neighbors.  
“I’m working at The griffins’ nest. It’s a tiny bookshop, specialized in medieval history and literature. I have a degree in medieval literature.” Merlin still is proud of that, even if he always told him, that a degree in literature was worth nothing and he would never find a job with it.  
“That’s pretty cool,” Arthur smiles at him, “So is your passion for medieval literature a result of you being named Merlin or is your name a result of your passion ?” He teases.  
Merlin feels like is limbs are cast in concerts, so heavy hits him the fear of being found out. He shakes his head vigorously.  
Arthur chuckles quietly. “I’m just kidding.” He says gently.  
Talking to this boy is just like a fucking roller coaster, one minute he is smiling a thousand watt smile, the other minute he is about to freak out.  
“It’s alright Merlin, we all have secrets, you can keep yours.” Arthur shrugs his shoulders and walks over to his kitchenette to wash his hands. 

“Do you want to eat with me?” Arthur asks over his shoulder. “I’m afraid it’s nothing fancy. Mashed potatoes,” he holds up a bag of halfway defrosted peas, with whom he had cooled his bruise earlier, “and peas.”  
Merlin is about to decline this offer politely, when Arthur’s phone on the coffee table goes off. The picture of a beautiful, dark haired women is illuminating the screen.  
Probably his girlfriend, Merlin thinks, before Arthur snatches the phone up and answers the call.  
“Hey sis, what’s up?” He asks and Merlin doesn’t know, why he suddenly feels relieved.  
“Tonight? Morgana, I can’t. I had a fight yesterday, I don’t really look presentable enough to be in public. No, don’t worry, it’s only bruises, nothing serious.” He adds quickly.  
Merlin watches him listening, to what his sister is saying.  
Arthur chuckles, then he speaks again: “God, you really do like being talked about, do you?” He asks his sister.  
“Okay, I’ll think about it, but only if I can bring a friend. Alright, I call you when I have decided. Bye Morgana.”  
He puts the phone down and looks at Merlin.  
“My sister invited me to a Vernissage in the city, would you like to come with me?” He asks. 

Merlin really doesn’t know what to say. It has been ages, since the last time he visited a gallery or a museum. When he still was at Uni, he often went to the exhibitions of the art students.  
“Who is the artist?” He asks, to gain time, before he needs to make a decision.  
“Morgause, my half sisters half sister.” He laughs curtly at Merlin’s confused expression. “I know, complicate Family history. But she’s actually pretty good. A bit of surrealism mixed with photorealism.”  
Merlin knows he shouldn’t, but the offer is to alluring. To get out of the house, to see art, to benefit from the advantages of living in the city, he really misses it.  
So he nods.  
“Great,” Arthur exclaims happily, “let me my call my sister and ask her to send us a car.” 

They are waiting together at the parking lot, both of the dressed up and suddenly a little bit nervous. Arthur in a designer jacket, that is a shocking contrast to the beat up sports cloth Merlin usually sees him in. His perfume smells like juniper and black tea. Merlin feels a bit intimidated by his natural elegance.  
But Arthur had smiled at him, at least he had tried, what rather looked like he was pulling a grimace, and told him that he looked really nice too. So Merlin figures it’s ok, that he’s dressed in black slacks and a black dress shirt, he doesn’t even own a jacket. 

He gasps, when he sees the car pulling up. It’s a jaguar, and it looks so much out of place in these streets, that Merlin asks himself if he’s having some weird dream and will wake up any minute. But Arthur opens the door for him and he slips into the comfortable darkness of the backseat, being greeted respectfully by the driver.  
They don’t speak a word, while they drive into town, both of them are looking at the traffic right and left from them. Then the car stops and Merlin can see the brightly lit windows of the gallery, with huge paintings on display. He sees groups of fancy dressed people standing together, laughing and smoking and sipping from their champagne. And he sees, and that makes his heart spread up in panic, photographers, that look a lot like paparazzi. 

“What the fuck Arthur? You didn’t tell me, that this is some high society event. I can’t go out there.” He doesn’t notice, that he’s talking himself into some kind of frenzy.  
“I can’t be photographed, he’ll see. He’ll see and know where I am. I can’t…” he repeats himself, feeling how his chest tightens and how hard it is to breath. He can feel hands on him and he tries to fight them, but they are not hurting him, they are warm and gentle and he hears his name being called. The other name, the new one. 

“Merlin? Merlin!”  
He stops talking, abruptly, realizing that he said too much, he stares at Arthur, who stares back at him.  
“Merlin?” Arthur asks again, his voice sounding unsure and airy.  
“Merlin, what’s the problem?”  
“I can’t go out there, Arthur. I can’t have my photography appear in any newspaper.” Merlin says matter of factly, knowing this sounds crazy, as if he’s some kind of criminal. But Arthur nods, without questioning him further.  
“Just let me find my sister and tell her, that we changed our plans. Maybe I can get my hands on a bottle of champagne or something. Wait here.” He tells Merlin and the driver equally and gets out of the car. 

Merlin watches Arthur walk up to a woman in a elegant black dress and sees how she throws her arms around his neck. He sees them talk to each other and he sees Arthur hug the man next to the women as well, they seem to know each other well. And sure enough he sees the people with the cameras taking pictures of them. Arthur turns around, heading back to the car, but to Merlin’s surprise, the woman and the other man are following him. 

Arthur opens the door for his sister and Morgana slips in the seat next to Merlin, while the other man gets in next to the driver.  
“So you are Merlin,” Morgana purrs, tilting her head.  
“Arthur told me you are a little bit shy. I’m Morgana, by the way and the guy in the front is Lance.” She introduced them.  
Lance turns to smile at Merlin. “Nice to meet you, Merlin.” He says friendly and Merlin likes him immediately.  
“So what do we do with that gorgeous evening? The night’s still young.” Morgana says.  
Arthur shrugs his shoulders. “Maybe we just go home, I don’t think Merlin wants to be in a public place right now.”  
Merlin nods to that, nervously fumbling with the first button of his dress shirt.

Morgana thinks for a second, before a sly smile appears on her face. She rummages through her handbag until she holds up a key in triumph.  
“Do you know what this is?” She asks, with a contempt smile.  
“A key?” Arthur states sarcastically.  
“Yes, it’s a key idiot, but it’s the key to one of the most luxurious flats in London. And guess who’s selling it.”  
“You?” Arthur does her the favor of stating the obvious.  
“That’s right, me.”  
She leans a bit closer to Merlin. “So what do you think about a little private party. Without paparazzi, but with an indoor swimming pool and a breathtaking view over the city?” She asks seductively and Merlin feels that he has no other option than to nod.  
“Great!” Morgana says and leans forward to give the driver the address.  
“What about Morgause?” Arthur asks, but Morgana waves his concern away.  
“She’s busy anyway, she won’t miss us tonight. Here, dear brother, open the champagne!” She hands him a bottle and Arthur opens it with a quiet bloop. 

The flat is bigger than his mothers house, a lot bigger and Morgana has not exaggerated when she told him about the view and the indoor pool.  
So Merlin is sitting on the pool edge, dangling his feet in, sipping a beer and watches Morgana and Lance cavort in the warm water. 

Merlin doesn’t decline to join them, because he doesn’t have trunks, of course there are enough in store, here in this perfectly appointed apartment, but he’s too insecure to show his awkward body to these strangers, even if they seem to be very nice.  
Next to him, just inches away, so he could touch him, if he would hold out his hand sits Arthur, he too is dangling his frets in the water. He refused to go into the water, because his body still is sore.  
The sparse light of the pool is flickering over his face, making is ring blink, reflect the light, whenever he moves his hands.  
“Can I ask you something?” Arthur asks in a low voice, just above a whisper.  
Merlin shrugs his shoulders.  
“Yeah, I guess.” He vaguely agrees.  
“Who is he? The one you talked about when you were upset, earlier.”  
Merlin thinks, that Arthur is putting it nicely, by saying that he was upset. He sighs. He expected Arthur to ask, just maybe not so soon.  
“My ex,” he says quietly, looking away purposefully.  
“Bad relationship?” Arthur asks sympathetic, “is that why you moved here, got a new job, new name?”  
“Really Arthur, I don’t want to talk about it.”  
Merlin sits up a bit straighter, ready to leave if Arthur doesn’t stop to prey.  
“Relax Merlin, as I said, you can keep your secrets, just know that you can talk to me, whenever you want.” Arthur says, but the seriousness of the statement gets a bit lost in the act of dissecting his pice of pizza in small pieces, so he can shove them into his mouth without taking an actual bite. 

“What about you Arthur, why do you live like you do, when your family owns the most successful real estate company for luxury flats in London? You are rich, right?” Merlin doesn’t understand.  
Arthur sips his beer through his straw. “Well, my father owns the company and yes, he’s rich. I avoided talking to him since I was 18, that’s about six years now. I decided to no longer be a part of the family. So I have to get by by myself.“  
Arthur stares over the heads of Morgana and Lance out of the huge glass front, into the shimmering night lights of the city.  
“But why? Why haven’t you talked to him in such a long time?” Merlin asks curious, even if he can feel that this is a touchy subject. He just don’t seem to can shut up sometimes, it always gets him into trouble.  
Arthur turns to him and between two bites of pizza, he says:  
“You have your secrets, my dear Merlin, I have mine.” Merlin nods to that; fair enough, he thinks…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I haven't written such a long chapter before. I hope it's not too boring...


	5. Inner bleeding

Worriedly, Arthur watches Viv ignore her food again. She just lies at her place, watching him with with tired eyes.  
Arthur kneels in front of her basket.  
“Hey Girl, not hungry again?”  
He holds his hand over her nose, it’s warm and dry and Arthur only gets more worried. He never has seen her apathetic like this. He just hopes it’s the weather change, that has the city in its grip for two weeks now. He thinks, he should get her to the vet, if she’s not better till noon.

He decides to take a shower, hoping that Viv is up for a little walk, when he comes out again.  
He startles, when Merlin turns on his music so annoyingly loud, that he even can hear it through the swooshing of the shower. 

Viv is breathing shallowly, when Arthur steps out of his bathroom. He sinks to his knees next to her, already panic is flaring up and his hands shake, when he tries to open her muzzle, to make sure, she’s not choking on her vomit or something.  
When he touches her nose, his hand becomes splattered with blood, that runs out of her nose and sideways into her white fur. She tries to get up, but her muscles are cramping, he can see the spasms run through her usually strong body.  
“No, no, no.” He cries out, knowing that his beloved dog is just at the verge of dying.  
The bleeding nose points to inner bleeding, and that’s a sign for rat poison. It’s working slow, but quickly enough, that he knows he has to get her to an animal clinic in the next hour, otherwise, her heart probably will stop beating or she'll stop breathing.  
He’d never bee able to get her there in time with public transport.  
He’s just about to call his Dad, ready to promise him everything, if he sends him a car, when he remembers Merlin mentioned that he has a car.  
Within seconds he stands in front of Merlin’s door, banging his fist against it, while pressing the doorbell constantly at the same time.  
It seems to him as if Merlin takes ages to open the door, but it’s probably only half a minute, until a very disheveled Merlin tears open the door.  
“What the hell,…Arthur?” He starts angry, but ends the question on a concerned note when he sees Arthur’s face.  
“Arthur?” He asks again.  
Arthur is trying to get the words out, but he feels like he can’t even breath properly.  
That damn dog means so much to him.  
Unexpected, Merlin puts his hands right and left on Arthur’s face. They are cold and clammy and somehow this gesture shocks Arthur back into reality.  
“Arthur, tell me what happened!” Merlin orders and that finally brings the words over Arthur’s lips.  
“ Viv’s sick. Can I have your car to get her to the animal clinic?”  
“Oh my god; yes of course. Let me get the key.” He disappears into his flat. Abruptly the music stops and Merlin reappears with a key in his hand.  
“I should drive. My car’s a little bit tricky to handle.”  
Arthur only nods to that. Merlin follows Arthur to his flat, but waits by the door.  
Arthur puts his hands under Viv’s body and scoops the dog into his arms.  
Merlin has to swallow when he sees her hanging limply from Arthur’s arms.  
“Come on, Arthur. We need to hurry.” Merlin ushers him downstairs.  
Carefully Arthur puts Viv down on the backseat, apologizing to Merlin for getting blood on the seat.  
“Don’t worry about that, mate. The car is old. Don’t worry.”  
He keeps on talking, mostly nonsense to distract Arthur from his panic.  
Arthur only gives Merlin the directions, his voice monotone. He holds his hand into the back, stroking Viv to keep her calm and to keep checking if she still is breathing.  
He calls the animal clinic from his phone to tell them that they are coming and that he thinks his dog has ingested rat poison. They tell them that they will be ready for them, when they arrive.  
Merlin doesn’t even takes the time to park properly in front of the building.  
Viv whimpers when Arthur picks her up again.  
“It’s alright, girl. You are gonna be alright.” Arthur whispers, more to himself, than to the dog. Then he runs into the clinic and hands her to the vet. She only nods, before going to work.  
Over an hour they wait for the vet to confirm that Viv is going to be alright, but that they need to monitor her throughout the night.  
Arthur hasn’t said anything for nearly an hour. His jaw is set and he only stares straight ahead.  
Merlin has given up on striking a conversation after ten minutes of talking aimlessly, without getting an answer from Arthur.  
“Come on, Arthur. You can’t do anything here. We should go home, get some rest.” Merlin tugs at Arthur’s sleeve. Arthur nods and follows him outside.

The ride home is silent, Arthur brooding and Merlin doesn’t know what to do or to say to make him feel better, so he keeps his mouth shut.  
Without saying a word, Arthur gets into his flat and sits down at his couch. Merlin wavers at the door, until he made up his mind. He closes the door and walks over to the couch to sit down next to Arthur.  
Arthur pulls out a small box from underneath the couch and reveals a little bag with strongly smelling weed.  
“I hope you don’t mind? I need to take my mind off of things for a bit.” He says and looks over to Merlin.  
Merlin shakes his head.  
“Course not.”  
“You smoking too?”  
Merlin really would like too, but he knows that it will make him hungry and he knows that he has no control over the way he eats when he's hungry.  
Besides that he can’t do it twice a day. He still feels a bit weak from doing it earlier without having the time to sleep the exhaustion off.  
So he shakes his head, but points at the whiskey bottle standing on the rickety sideboard.  
“I would take a glass of that instead.”  
“Sure.” Arthur gets up to get the bottle and a fitting glass for Merlin. He fills it two fingers breadth.  
“Do you want water or ice in it?”  
Merlin cautiously sniffs the amber liquid and scrunches his nose.  
“If you have some coke?”  
Arthur snorts to that. “You do know that this bottle costs around £80 ?” He asks amused.  
“No, I didn’t know that. I wasn’t born royalty, you snob.” He takes a sip and shakes at the taste of smoke and something that reminds him of the way leather smells.  
“That’s fucking horrible.” He complains. “It tastes like horse stables smell.”  
Arthur bursts out laughing. The first time today, that Merlin sees more than a sad smile.  
“Yeah, I know, right?” He hands him the coke out of the fridge. “Morgana gave it to me. It’s an leftover from one of her open house tours. Unfortunately it was already open, so I couldn’t sell it. But it’s fairly alright when you mix it with something.”  
Merlin aims to hit Arthur on the arm, “you prat!” He laughs when Arthur doges the hit and sinks down next to Merlin with a sigh.  
“Thanks, Merlin, for everything you did today.”  
Merlin just nods it away. It goes without saying.  
Arthur lights his joint, inhales deeply and sinking back on the sofa, he exhales, the smoke wafting around him. 

Merlin tells Arthur story’s, about when he was a child, because he seems to like them. In return Arthur tells him about boarding schools and elite summer camps he went to, and Merlin thinks that it all sounds like a horrible restrictive childhood.  
Arthur keeps smoking and listening, Merlin drinks and talks. But after his time at college Merlin gets more and more tight-lipped, while Arthur talks more freely.  
He tells Merlin about his two best friends since his childhood days, Leon and Percy, both of them from equally wealthy families.  
Percy, like himself rebelling against the expectations by investing his grandmothers heritage in the little gym in south London. Leon on the other hand is following in his fathers footsteps by becoming a doctor. He’s currently in his elective, working long hours at the hospital.  
Merlin knows that he’s drunk, when he catches Arthur’s hand, he’s gesticulating with, and holds it. Arthur stops talking and looks at him with half lidded eyes. He looks positively stoned.  
“Merlin…” he whispers, while Merlin slides closer, straddling him.  
“Merlin, we shouldn’t do that.” He says, but he kisses back, when Merlin leans forward to snog him properly.  
The kiss is a bit wet and sloppy, but it’s soft and Arthur hasn’t felt this kind of tenderness in a long while and Merlin hasn’t felt so much like himself, than in this moment, where his tongue playfully teases Arthur’s.  
After a few seconds, Arthur pulls his head back, to look into Merlin’s eyes.  
“Are you sure Merlin? I mean I’m stoned and you are drunk. I’m not sure we are in the right place to make…” he’s cut off by Merlin leaning in close again, pressing his lips to Arthur’s.  
He can feel Arthur’s arousal and he brushes purposefully against it. He smiles into the kiss, when Arthur lifts him up and turns around, placing him carefully upon the unmade bed.

It smells like Arthur, a bit like his expensive aftershave and a bit like Arthur himself, salty and warm.  
Merlin takes off his shirt and shoes, looking at Arthur while he does, daring him to do the same.  
Shirtless, Arthur lies down next to him.  
Merlin crawls on top of him, exploring Arthur’s smooth skin and defined muscles with his hands and mouth, but he needs Arthur’s help with opening the buttons of his jeans.  
“Do you have any…?” Merlin starts and Arthur opens the first drawer of the dresser next to his bed. He has to rummage around a bit, before he pulls out some lube and condoms out.  
And suddenly Arthur stops to question if this is a good idea, it’s only Merlin underneath him now, his milky skin under his fingers, his pale face flushed with the blush of lust, his eyes shimmering dark in the sparse light.  
Arthur’s hands are all over his body and Merlin feels strangely powerful. He knows that Arthur would stop anytime he tells him to. He’s nearly tempted to test it, to tell Arthur that this is a mistake and he changed his mind.  
As bad as his previous relationship had been, his boyfriend never had forced him to have sex with him. So Sex had been the only part of their relationship he had some control over. Now this sense of control turns him on. It’s like a drug and he feels it rush trough him like a high.  
Arthur’s hands are on him, his fingers are inside him, warm and steady without the hesitation he got used to. There are no bruises that need to be regarded.  
“You are so beautiful.” Arthur breaths into his skin and then he takes him into his mouth, and Merlin feels himself loose all the control he prided himself to have. How long since someone said these words to him? He comes with a silent cry.  
Afterwards he returns the favor and when Arthur comes with his name on his lips, Merlin knows that he’s in deep trouble. But he’s too tired to think of it right now, and he falls asleep in Arthur’s bed. Definitely not in his arms. 

Arthur is woken up by an unfamiliar movement in his apartment. Merlin is trying to collect his stuff as quietly as possible.  
“Morning.” Arthur rasps out. He never was an never will be a morning person.  
Merlin turns around and smiles at him, but he doesn’t say anything and proceeds pulling on his clothes.  
“I have to be work in an hour. I would like to take a shower before.” He says to explain his rush.  
Arthur nods and looks for the time on his phone. The animal clinic has send him a message, that he can pick up his dog after five today. He shows it to Merlin, who again smiles at him, a little bit wary.  
“I’ll take the car to work today, if you want, you can meet me at the shop at five and I’ll drive you there.” Merlin offers and Arthur nods his thanks. And then Merlin is off without another word, after he scribbled down the address of the shop onto a piece of paper. Arthur sinks back into his pillow to try and sleep another hour. 

There’s still some tension between them, when Merlin maneuvers his tiny car through the crazy London evening rush hour traffic and Arthur has to keep himself from drumming his fingers on the dashboard or the window, he knows it makes other people nervous.  
“So…” he starts. “Should we talk about last night?”  
In an instant Merlin seems to be even more invested in the traffic than before. A minute goes by without Merlin answering the question and Arthur thinks that he probably should ask again, when Merlin says:  
“Look Arthur, last night…it was a mistake, I mean you were upset and stoned and I was drunk…”  
He trails off, staring at the red light in front of them.  
Arthur’s not actually surprised to hear these words from Merlin, he knew they would come before they were spoken, but he can’t help than to feel disappointed. Last night it felt so good, and seeing Merlin in the morning, looking still adoringly sleepy, had felt good too. He wants more of that.  
All he says is “Ok.”  
Merlin looks over to him, but he turns his head to look out of the window, he doesn’t want Merlin to see his eyes. Morgana said they were easy to read. 

They each go into they’re own flats, awkwardly saying goodbye at the door, right before going in.  
Viv still is slightly shaky on her legs and Arthur is glad, that he has to concentrate on her.  
Cleaning up the mess from last night, he pauses, holding the heavy whiskey bottle steady on his left thigh, contemplating what to do, he really is tempted.  
But he figures that his hurt pride is not worth it. With a sigh he puts it where it belongs. He has a sick dog to care for, after all.  
He changes the sheets, before going to sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My lovely readers; this story is on hiatus until further notice, but if you enjoyed that one, maybe you would like to check out my other Merthur fics.  
> There's a finished one, that's called Romance, written on a train and is mostly hurt!Arthur and another one finished called In the rain, every city looks the same, with hurt!Merlin....  
> Thanks for reading!


	6. Shaking hands

Arthur hates the way Merlin behaves around him now.  
Whenever they see each other in the lobby or the corridor they make awkward small talk and Merlin stares at his feet the whole time.  
Arthur always has to resist the urge to grab his chin and make him look at him. To force his face up and to kiss these lips, long enough to get a bit of color back into Merlin’s pale face. Some days he looks like he’s made out of porcelain, flawless and delicate, but threatening to break if handled harshly. So Arthur just looks, but does not touch.  
But it hurts him to see the relief in Merlin’s eyes, when they finished their exchange of necessary words, to seem polite and he can slip away into his flat or out of the building.  
The way Merlin flinches, when he touches him accidentally, when helping him to close his door, that seems to be stuck, hurts Arthur’s pride so much, that he decides against his his first impulse to offer Merlin to take a proper look at it and fix it. It’s non of his business, and Merlin makes that pretty clear. 

So he hesitates more then a second when he comes home from a walk with Viv on Friday afternoon and sees that Merlin’s door is not closed, but cracked open. Inside, there is loud music glaring from the speakers and Arthur wonders what Merlin is doing and if he knows that the door to his flat is open.  
Before he can decide on knocking and trying to get Merlin’s attention or to just ignore it and go into his own flat, Viv takes the decision from him, by slipping through the gap.  
Now Arthur doesn’t have a choice anymore. He knocks on the door and rings the bell but neither his dog nor his neighbor have the decency to show up.  
So he pulls the door open by the handle, looking into the one room apartment, but not moving from his spot. There is nobody in sight. The place is a mess however and in the first moment, Arthur thinks that maybe an intruder has trashed it.  
He nearly sprints into the room, just to notice, that the things that are lying around everywhere are books and papers and strangely enough empty food packages. He steps onto a bag of crisps and the remaining rest of them are making a protesting crunching sound under his weight.  
He carefully lifts his feet and takes more care in where he’s placing his feet as he walks over to the stereo to shut it down.  
For a moment everything seems to be completely silent, but then he thinks that he hears some kind of whimpering coming from the direction of the bathroom on the other end of the room.  
The door is open and the light shines through the crack. Arthur takes a few careful steps in ist direction, unsure if he’s prepared for what he’s about to see. He doesn’t have a clue what it might be, but this sinking feeling in his guts tell him that it is nothing good. 

In fact, he is flooded with relief, when he sees no blood anywhere in the tiny room.  
But then his brain registers that the way a shirtless Merlin is cowering on the floor, next to the toilet, is far away from normal.  
Viv is by his side, pushing against him, trying to lick away the tears on Merlin’s face, while Merlin is fighting her with both his hands.  
But Arthur can see that it is a weak gesture, as his body is shaking with the effort of getting enough air.  
Arthur kneels down next to him, grabbing Viv by her collar and effectively pulling her away from Merlin, who looks up at him with glassy, bloodshot eyes. He’s covering his mouth with his fingers, shining wet with saliva coating them.  
Arthur doesn’t need to ask what has happened, he knows it from the sour smell that fills the small bathroom, the waxy complexion of Merlin’s face, now that the redness has subsided. His eyes are watering and his hands are shaking, his skin is cold and wet with sweat under Arthur’s touch. It's not the first time he sees something like this.  
“It’s alright Merlin.” Arthur mumbles, almost automatically, because it is a lie. Nothing is alright and he knows that.  
“Can you stand?” He asks, while already pulling Merlin up, not waiting for an answer.  
Merlin leans heavily on him. He doesn’t trust his shaky legs to carry his weight.  
Arthur more or less carries him over to the washbasin. He helps him to wash his hands, like you would do with a three year old, showing them how to use soap. Merlin thinks that he could do it alone, that he wants to be left alone. But he says nothing. He reaches for his toothbrush to scrub away the disgusting taste in his mouth, but Arthur takes it away from him gently and instead fills the empty toothbrush mug with water.  
“Just rinse your mouth with water, you can brush your teeth later.” He says and Merlin obeys, without thinking about it, without asking questions.

After helping Merlin back in his jumper, that lies neatly folded on the floor, Arthur guides him into the living room and places him on the sofa.  
Merlin does not have the strength to fight against Arthur, to tell him to leave him alone. So he decides that this is not real. That it is not happening if he doesn’t acknowledge it.  
So he curls up on the sofa, like he would do if he were alone and closes his eyes. He just barely registers, that Arthur is draping a blanket over him.  
With half-closed eyes, he watches Arthur move through the flat, picking up the garbage.  
He would protest, if he wasn’t trying to convince himself that this is all just a bad dream.  
Arthur brings him a cup of tea and tells him to drink it.  
Merlin does as he is told, even through the tea is slightly sweet, because Arthur has put some sugar in.  
“For the electrolytes.” He says and keeps talking, but Merlin is hearing him as through water and he doesn’t bother with answering him, so Arthur gives up and goes to clean the bathroom.  
Viv has hopped on the couch and rolled up between the back of the couch and Merlin’s legs and the warm heaviness of her body next to him, is soothing him.  
He thinks that he might fell asleep, because he startles, when Arthur says his name, kneeling in front of the couch, his face only inches away from his own face, so close, that he can see the particular pattern of his iris, making them seem more grey than blue.  
Merlin blinks.  
“Merlin…” Arthur starts and Merlin can hear by the sound of his voice that he wants to talk, to say something to all these things he has witnessed today.  
Merlin’s panic must have shown on his face, because Arthur sighs and runs a hand through his hair, obviously unsure of what to do. "Please leave." Merlin whispers. "But.." Arthur tries to protest, but doesn't keep it up. "I'm fine, Arthur. I just want to be alone. Merlin pleads weakly and Arthur feels like he has no other choice than to give in.  
“I’m coming by tomorrow to fix your door, yeah? It’s not safe to leave it like that.” He says and Merlin nods, thankful that Arthur changed the subject.  
Arthur gets up again and grabs the black bin liner to take it outside. By the door he hesitates, still unsure if he can leave Merlin alone, but there's nothing he can do now.  
Viv hops down and follows her master to the door. Merlin instantly misses her warmth. He closes his eyes again and hears the door slam shut. 

Arthur feels like he can’t breath when he finally opens the door to his own flat. Earlier he couldn’t really think about what he saw, he had things to do. Making sure that Merlin wasn't about to pass out, make him drink something and cleaning the flat, seemed to be more important at that moment, than to really think about it. But now in the solitude and tidiness of his own flat, the impressions from earlier are pushing to the surface of his mind.  
Merlin breathing heavily, his sunken chest heaving with effort to get enough air, his clammy, cold skin under his hands and the state of destruction the flat was in. Arthur feels the tight sensation in his throat, that indicates that he’s about to cry.  
This wasn’t the first time, that much is clear. Merlin is seriously sick and Arthur knows that there’s nothing he can do about it.  
Angrily he takes a swing to his punching bag, that hangs from the ceiling. He doesn’t bother to put on gloves or even a bandage, to protect his hands.  
He just punches it, over and over again, without paying any mind to the technique.  
His knuckles are scraping against the rough surface, slowly slicing the skin open from making contact with the sharp edges of the tape that is wrapped around the bag to stabilize it. He doesn’t stop, until the blood is running over his hands and leaves tiny sprinkles of red on the floor. And then, finally, he starts to cry.


	7. Beating heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry it took so long to update, I was traveling a lot and then inspiration went missing a long the way. So this is a shorter chapter to get into it again, I hope it is alright.  
> Let me know what you think, even if it’s negative...

The next day, Arthur tries to keep his promise of fixing the door for Merlin, but when he knocks, nobody answers and everything stays silent. Arthur tries to shake the dire images of Merlin lying passed out on the floor from his mind.  
So he tries to call Merlin, nearly putting an ear to the door, to hear if the phone rings inside. Instead Merlin picks up after the third ring.  
“What?” He snaps.  
Arthur honestly is so surprised by that, that he has forgotten why he called in the first place.  
“Ah Merlin… I… I was wondering where you were and if you are alright?” He feels himself blushing and really is glad that Merlin can’t see him now.  
“I’m at work Arthur and I am fine.” Merlin says sharply. “What do you want?”  
Arthur wants to say “Nothing” and hang up. He doesn’t want to be treated that way. But then he thinks about how bad Merlin had been yesterday and he swallows his pride. Of course Merlin would be shirty with him, feeling the need to protect his secret, that wasn’t one anymore.  
“Look, I just want to give you a hand with that door of yours, we can do it tonight when you are back from work, or you can call the house keeper, but then you’ll have to wait for ages and it probably never gets done.” He’s not going to plead and this will be his last offer, he hoped that Merlin knows that.  
There’s silence on the other side of the line, then a grumpy “Fine, I’m home at 7.”  
And Arthur smiles self satisfied, before he hangs up. 

It’s his first free Saturday in weeks and Percy surely is already waiting for him at the gym.  
He swings his bag over his shoulder. Viv is already waiting by the door.  
Walking into the well lit gym, he’s aware, that Percy will see everything. The little wrinkles around his eyes, that are the reminder of a sleepless night and of course his hands. The knuckles are scraped over by now, but they actually look worse than the night before. But if he can wrap them up fast enough Percy won’t even notice. So he tries to slip in as inconspicuous as possible. But of course, having his luck, it doesn’t work.  
Percy is explaining the rowing machine to someone and waves excited when he spots Arthur coming in, gesturing him to come over.  
Arthur can’t think of any way out of it, without seeming incredibly rude and unwillingly strolls over to greet them, while Viv gets into her basked under the counter.  
“Hi Art,” Percy says, patting Arthurs shoulder, “This is Gwaine a friend from Uni.” He introduces the stranger, who shakes his dark hair out of his eyes and holds his hand out for Arthur to shake.  
“Nice to meet you,” he says with a wide smile, showing his white teeth. “I heard so much about you.”  
“Only good things I hope.” Arthur forces himself to smile friendly, while pulling his hand out of his hoodie to accept the handshake from Gwaine. He doesn’t look, but he can practically feel Percy’s gaze on his scraped hands.  
“Are you sparring with us today?” He asks, mostly to distract himself from dreading the conversation with Percy, that is sure enough to come.  
“Yeah, I would love to.” Gwaine smiles content, blissfully unaware of the tension between Arthur and Percy.  
“Great, I just go and change and then you can show me what you got.”  
He turns around and walks to the changing room.  
He doesn’t turn around, but he can feel that Percy is coming after him.  
He sits down at the bench in the changing room and waits for Percy to enter. 

“Arthur, I think we need to talk.” Percy closes the door behind him and leans against it, arms crossed over his chest.  
Arthur ignores it and acts as if he hasn’t heard it.  
Instead he pulls off his shoes and then his socks.  
“What happened to your hands?”  
“Nothing.” Arthur pulls his shirt over his head.  
“Doesn’t looks like nothing. Looks like you had a run- in with someone.” Percy does not let it go that easily, not that Arthur expected him to, either.  
“Yeah, with my punching bag.”  
“What?” Percy sounds confused.  
“Throw a few punches, forgot to wrap my hands before that.” Arthur explains curtly. “I needed to blow off some steam.”  
“What happened?” Percy kicks off the door and comes to sit down next to Arthur.  
But Arthur shakes his head. “I can’t tell you.”  
“Arthur please, you know that you can talk to me. If you keep it in, it only gets worse. I know you.”  
“It’s about my neighbor, Merlin. I told you about him.”  
“The one, err you slept with?” Percy blushes a bit, he never was comfortable with discussing his friends love life.  
“Yeah, I don’t know, it just…, I was frustrated and I lost it.” Arthur admits.  
“Okay,” Percy says slowly. “But you know, that’s not how you should deal with things, I appreciate that it was the punching bag you wreaked, but you should at least take the time to protect your hands.” A bit more quieter he adds, “Otherwise I might be thinking that you are falling back in to old patterns.”  
Arthur shakes his head. „I’m fine, don’t worry.“  
Percy still looks skeptical, „If you say so, I believe you. Don’t bother to bandage your hands, you will only use your feet and elbows today. No hands, you hear me? Might teach you to keep your guard up too.“  
Arthur groans, but does not protest and follows Percy out into the gym. 

When he comes home, he actually feels so good, that he’s not exactly keen to go over and ruin his good mood by seeing Merlin, having to deal with his hostile attitude. But well, he promised.  
He sighs and pulls out his toolbox from under the sink.  
He bought it, when he finally caught on to the fact that things were faster and easier fixed in his flat, when he just did it himself instead of waiting for the janitor. 

Merlin opens the door just after the first knock and the small smile he carries makes Arthur’s heart flutter.  
„Hi, how are you?“ he asks and it might have been just the wrong thing to say, because Merlin’s face closes off and instead of the smile a frown appears.  
„I’m fine!“ he snaps and walks back into the flat, but leaving the door open for Arthur to follow.  
„Do you want some tea?“ he asks, calmer this time.  
Arthur just nods silently, afraid to distress Merlin with just the sound of his voice.  
While Arthur works on the door hinges, Merlin sits on the back of his couch, sipping his tea and watching him.  
“What happened to your hands?” Merlin asks curiously and Arthur stops working and looks down on them.  
“Just training,” he says lightly and Merlin nods to that.  
“I’m sorry about yesterday,” Merlin suddenly says. “I must have eaten something wrong.”  
Arthur looks up from his work and Merlin can feel his heart beat so much faster than normal, he doesn’t know if it’s because he is lying or because Arthur clearly doesn’t believe him. Merlin feels as if the other man can see right through him and it makes him fucking nervous.  
Arthur slowly puts his tools back in the box, wiping his hands on his jeans.  
“You don’t have to lie to me Merlin, you know? I’m not going to preach to you. You are not stupid, you probably know better than me how dangerous this is. All I can offer you is my friendship, I’m there to listen, I’ll help you when you need me, no matter if it’s fixing your door or go to the doctors with you. We don’t need to talk about this, I get that you don’t want to, but please let us talk at all. I like you Merlin, I really do and I like talking to you.” Arthur lays all his honesty into his words and with a feeling that comes close to praying, he hopes that Merlin will accept this.  
Merlin only stares at him for a while and Arthur is about to tell him to forget everything he was saying, feeling pathetic, standing in front of this strange man, who just seems so inexplicably important to him. He already is thinking about turning around and leaving, but somehow his legs won’t react to his brain and then Merlin suddenly breaks into a wide grin, that lights his whole face up and puts that mischievous sparkle in his eyes, that Arthur finds so god damn fascinating.  
“Friends, huh? I guess we could try.” Merlin says, wrinkling his nose a bit.


	8. Warm feet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was sick the whole week, so all I came up with is this little chapter. I hope you like it. Thanks to all the loyal readers for hangin on, reading and commenting. It means a lot to me. As every new reader does too. Thanks for reading!!

It’s five months after the night Arthur fixed Merlin’s door and the thing with being friends has worked out surprisingly well.  
Monday evenings, when Arthur doesn’t have to work as security, because who wants to party on a Monday night, they usually spend together in Arthur’s Apartment, never Merlin’s, as Merlin doesn’t like to have Arthur there.  
He still feels the need to protect his own space from any kind of intruding, even if it’s just Arthur, with whom he feels quite comfortable. 

So most Monday evenings are spend together, watching series, or when a important game is on, football.  
Of course they talk to each other too, but they carefully navigate around the critical topics. In the beginning it had been a little bit awkward, but know they know each other so good, they know what topics are to be avoided at every cost. Merlin won’t talk about his ex and Arthur won’t talk about his Father, Arthur learns the hard way to never express his concern for Merlins health and Merlin has detected a hole in Arthur’s vita he refuses to fill.  
They know about the blank spots, even if they don’t talk about them. 

After protesting in the beginning, Merlin by now has accepted that Arthur cooks for them.  
Every Monday he prepares some Curry or chicken or anything that he thinks is filling and at least reasonably healthy.  
Merlin eats it without complaining, because it’s not like that.  
He eats and he keeps his meals down, just sometimes it is different. But it’s not too often, and he’s doing it less since Arthur found out. At least he tries to hold back, it doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does and then he’s proud of himself, hopeful even that it is over for good. He swears that it will never happen again, and that he can do it, but sometimes, well sometimes he can’t talk himself out of it, but that’s alright, it doesn’t happen too often.  
“Merlin?” Arthur asks and Merlin startles a bit, realizing, that he has stopped eating, his spoon hovering over his bowl of spicy Thai soup, his favorite.  
Merlin looks up and smiles apologetic.  
“I was just thinking about work, I’m sorry.” He lies nonchalantly, always having the feeling that Arthur’s too bright gaze detects every single one of his lies. But lying comes to him automatically, it’s a reflex he can’t shake and he doesn’t want to because for all he knows, lying has saved him.  
Arthur smiles back, just a tiny little smile, that crinkles the corners of his sensual mouth a little bit, etching small lines into his skin, that show that his skin is getting thinner, gaining sensitivity with age.  
“Don’t lie Merlin.” He reminds him gently, but other than that he says nothing and Merlin throws his head back and laughs out loud. Never has he met anyone that knows him as well as Arthur does.  
Arthur watches Merlin finishing his soup, satisfied that he clears the bowl up to the last drop.  
They don’t talk about Merlin’s eating disorder, it’s one of the forbidden topics of their friendship, but of course Arthur worries.  
He never voices his concern, but he watches. He watches Merlin all the time. He tries to see if he gets thinner, he looks at his knuckles for teethmarks and of course he listens for the music he now knows what it is supposed to cover up. He hasn’t heard it for a while, but that doesn’t mean anything.  
It’s a challenge to not let Merlin know how worried he is, because if he felt that he was being watched and analyzed, he surely wouldn’t come over as much.  
But it puts Arthur’s mind at ease, when he knows that Merlin leaves tonight with a stomach full of warm, home-cooked food. And he’s pretty sure, that Merlin won’t throw it up later. After carefully posed questions and comments, Arthur is pretty sure that Merlin doesn’t throws up everything he eats, he maybe doesn’t eat enough throughout the week, but he eats almost normally when he’s with Arthur. 

They’re done eating and Arthur leans back on the cushions of his battered but cozy couch.  
Instead of following what is going on in the new episode of Dirk Gently, he looks over to Merlin. He sees the faint smile on the other mans face, the standard lamp behind him illuminates half his face and paints soft shadows on the other half. 

Arthur wishes it could be like this forever. Merlin next to him on the couch, his long legs folded underneath his body to warm his feet, Viv between them, her muzzle buried deep in the hollow of Merlin’s knee, his long fingers sometimes twirling her sensitive ears lovingly.  
He just imagines himself a bit less stiff, with his hand casually placed on Merlin’s leg, or his arms around his torso, while Merlin leans against his chest, warming his always too cold hands in Arthur’s hands.  
But that won’t happen and he has to remind himself to be satisfied with what he has now.  
When Viv starts to snore contently in between them and Merlin laughs about it, Arthur thinks that what he has right now, isn’t all that bad.


	9. Panic

Merlin’s heart starts to beat painfully fast, when he sees a man check out his letterbox. It’s a tall, well dressed man with short grey hair, and he stands just a few steps away from his box, looking at it intensely.  
Merlin grips his bag tighter and doesn’t really dare to breath. The man turns around and leaves. Merlin hasn’t seen much of his face, but he can tell that he has bright, piercing eyes and his whole demeanor expresses, that he’s nobody to be messed with.  
Now that the man has left, Merlin remembers to breath again, but it doesn’t make him feel better as panic now is flooding his system, making his knees go weak and waves of heat and icy chills are shaking his body in turns.  
He turns around and flees upstairs, to the safety of his flat.  
‘Think!’ He orders himself, but he can’t really do that, it’s too much chaos in his head right now.  
He has found him.  
There’s no other explanation for a man in a suit looking for him. Maybe he’s a private detective or even from the police.  
He sits on his couch, unmoving, starring at the wall. He doesn’t know how long he’s sitting there, starring...minutes, hours?  
The ringtone of his phone makes him jump. He picks up, when he sees that Gwen’s calling him. He should long be at work by now.  
“Merlin? Where are you? Is everything alright?” She asks and Merlin hears so much worry in her voice, that he can almost see her soft eyes in front of him, asking so many questions he will never be able to answer.  
“I’m sorry Gwen, I meant to call you. I’m not feeling so good, I think I should stay home today. I’m sorry for not calling earlier.” He apologizes, hoping that she’ll not demand further information.  
“Oh, ok.” She says, sounding everything but relived. “Do you need anything? I could come by after work.” She offers him kindly.  
Merlin has to resist the urge to scream at her.  
“That’s very kind of you, but I have everything I need. Thanks so much love. I’m fine, don’t worry. I’ll call you tomorrow.” He promises.  
“Well then,” Gwen hesitates, “Get we’ll soon.” She says before ending the call.  
Merlin immediately throws the phone down next to him.  
But now the call has pulled him out of his numbness and he’s buzzing with nervousness.  
He paces around the living room, not even fully there. He doesn’t really think, he tries to, but his thoughts are racing and he hasn’t enough strength to get a hold of them.  
Suddenly a wave of nausea hits him and he runs to throw up into the kitchen sink, totally unintended, for once.  
Afterwards he remains in his hunched over position, gasping for air, shivering and shaking with exhaustion and fear.  
But at least his thoughts have come to an hold and aren’t running around like crazy anymore.  
He’s so fucking tired, he could sink to the floor and sleep there, all he wants to do is sleep, but he can’t.  
He has to get out of here, so he pulls his suitcase out from under his bed. Fighting against the tears that threatens to overwhelm him. Now is not the time to give into desperation.

Arthur sighs, when he opens his letterbox and sees the expansive cream colored envelope with the Pandragon logo emblazoned in the right upper corner. His name is written on the front in his fathers elegant handwriting.  
Just as expected there is money in it and a note that expresses his fathers never ending worry for him and his financial situation.  
This letter annoys him even more than the countless bills, that are piling on his coffee table, because this is bribe money and it always makes him feel bad about himself. In the beginning he even tried to give it back until Morgana convinced him to keep it. If his father wanted to give him money, his expectations weren’t any of his problem. He had made himself very clear the night he finally left home. He wouldn’t, couldn’t forget nor forgive, he would never come back. He longed for freedom.  
He told him he wanted nothing but to be left alone. No money and no high position in the company, he wanted to live by himself, never be controlled and manipulated again. He just never thought it would be that hard.  
He sighs again and puts the money in his pocked. He hates to admit, that it doesn’t comes uncalled-for and he briefly wonders if his father knows how his bank account looks like. He wouldn’t put it past him. 

Arthur thinks that he’s going to ask Merlin if he wants to go out for dinner, maybe catch a movie later. It would be nice, it’s been ages since he’s been to the cinema.  
He’s surprised to hear noises from Merlin’s flat, that indicates that Merlin is at home. Normally Merlin isn’t home till 6pm, now it’s only shortly after 10am.  
He decides to walk Viv first and then he’s going to ask Merlin to go out tonight. 

The plate he was holding shatters on the floor, when someone knocks and startles Merlin badly.  
He thought he had more time. There’ s no way, that he’ll open that door. He just stands there and stares at the door, half expecting that it will be broken down in a matter of minutes.  
There’ s knocking again.  
“Merlin?” He hears a familiar voice call out for him. But it’s Arthur, not the one he was expecting.  
“Merlin? I know that you are home, everything alright?”  
Finally Merlin finds the strength to overcome his rigidity and goes to open the door for Arthur, who he knows is not going to leave until he at least told him that he was fine.  
He looks through the peephole, just to be sure, but it really is Arthur. He opens the door only so far, that Arthur can squeeze past it and shuts the door quickly after him.  
He doesn’t bother with greeting Arther, who looks quite puzzled by Merlin’s behavior and the state the Apartment is in.  
“What are you doing Merlin?” He asks, hands clutching at the back of the sofa, because he can see that Merlin is packing, but he doesn’t understand why.  
“I’m packing.” Merlin states the obvious, not stopping to pull out some clothes, throwing them in the open suitcase.  
“I can see that, but why?”  
Merlin doesn’t even look at him.  
“He found me. I have to go!” He says calmly, he already has accepted that he’s going to be on the run again.  
Arthur grabs his arm, forcing Merlin to stop packing.  
“What are you talking about Merlin?”  
Merlin finally turns around to look at Arthur.  
His eyes are glassy and have a far away look in them.  
“This Morning,” He says slowly, “this morning there was a man, starring at my letterbox. Maybe a private detective, maybe even police. I don’t know, but I have to get out of here.“  
Arthur listens to Merlin, it hurts him to see Merlin so distressed. Someone looking for a name on a letterbox usually wasn’t a thing to get in panic over. Suddenly it dawns on him and he pulls out the envelope with the money he had put in his pocked to show it to Merlin. No stamp. It had been delivered personally, today.  
“How did the man look like?” He asks, almost excited.  
Merlin shrugs his shoulders.  
“I think he was in his late 50ties, short grey hair, dressed in a suit and a coat.”  
While Merlin tries to describe the man he saw, Arthur fumbles with his phone.  
“Was it him?” He has opened google and the man from earlier looks at him hundredfold. Merlin stares at the screen.  
“How did you know? Who is it?” He asks puzzled.  
“That’s my father, Merlin.” He holds up the envelope, to show it to Merlin. “Look, he brought me a letter today. Some money. It was him you saw!”  
Merlin’s eyes are wide when he stares at the letter and then at the photos again.  
“Oh.” He says quietly and then he starts to laugh and to cry simultaneously.  
Arthur doesn’t really know what to do, but finally pulls Merlin into a tight hug and doesn’t let go until Merlin’s hysteria has lessened and he goes slack in Arthur’s arms.  
Exhaustion takes over, making his limps shake with feebleness.  
“How about you get some rest?” Arthur asks softly, helping Merlin stand and walk over to the couch, where he sinks down in the cushions, eyes half closed.  
“I’m gonna make you some tea.” Arthur says and drags a blanket over Merlin’s shivering form.  
He has to unpack the kettle first and picks up the shards of the plate that Merlin dropped earlier.  
When the tea is finished, Merlin already has fallen asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry for the long wait, it probably isn’t even worth it :/


	10. Hungry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not edited, going to do that later...

When Merlin wakes up, he’s still on edge. He’s nervously playing with the neckerchief he’s wearing today. Smoothing our his clothes over and over again. He’s making Arthur, who hasn’t left the flat, feeling the need to watch over a sleeping Merlin, nervous too. But anyway he helps to unpack Merlin’s stuff again, before he suggests to go out for dinner. Merlin shakes his head.  
“Why not? I bet you haven’t eaten all day, you must be hungry!” At least he is, because he hasn’t eaten either.  
“For all the trouble my father caused you today, it’s only fair if I invite you.” Arthur says with a smile. “You choose the place.”  
Merlin looks a little bit lost between all his clothes that occupy his bed and half the floor.  
“I want fast food. Is McDonalds ok?” He asks timidly and even if Arthur is a little bit disappointed, because he had something else in mind, maybe something a little bit more romantic than a fast food restaurant, agrees.  
“Sure we can, but are you sure? If you want burgers, we could go to a decent burger place.” He tries.  
But Merlin waves him off, “Nah, all I need is some of their cheeseburgers and some chips.”  
“What about cinema afterwards?” Arthur asks hopefully and Merlin lifts the corner of his mouth a little bit. It’s almost a smile.  
“Why not, it’s been ages since I’ve been to the cinema.” He says.  
Arthur feels too excited about going out with Merlin. ‘Get a grip!’ He tells himself harshly.  
“Alright then, I have to take care of Viv first. I’ll pick you up in 20.” He likes to think that he has kept the excitement out of his voice. Merlin nods. 

They take the bus to town, choosing a McDonalds thats just in walking distance to the cinema. The restaurant is almost empty. Some teenagers are huddled together in a booth in the corner, a overweight mother and her also already overweight child, just to fulfill the cliche, are occupying a table. She seems to be angry and the child is crying. Arthur wants to leave again. The guy behind the counter looks bored.  
Arthur always forgets how much he hates McDonalds and the like nowadays. It reminds him of happier times, coming here to eat with his friends after a game of footie in the nearby park or with Morgana, just to aggravate Uther, who despises Fast food with a passion.  
He hadn’t been happy then, when his future was still bright and money and friends were countless, he’s much more content now, that he finally has taken responsibility for himself, but the memories of these moments burn bright like dying stars.  
“…and two large chips, please.”  
Arthur has been so lost in thought, that he hadn’t payed attention to Merlin, who had gone ahead and already ordered. There is wrapped up food piling on the plastic tray in front of him. It would be sufficient for a ittle family. He hadn’t even thought of this being a dangerous place for Merlin to be, but of course it is and suddenly it makes sense that Merlin wanted to come here.  
“Merlin…” he starts, unsure of what he should be saying, “are you sure…” he doesn’t finish the sentence upon the look Merlin is giving him, it’s somehow between furious and cunning and he suddenly feels like he’s being played. It hurts. Merlin grabs his tray and turns to leave. “I’m going to find a place to sit.” He tells Arthur lightly.  
“What can I get you?” The guy behind the counter asks, clearly bored to death.  
“A cheeseburger.” Arthur says quickly, he feels like time is a pressing matter right now. He pays and doesn’t bother with a tray, trying to locate Merlin.  
He spots him in the booth around the corner, the one that is a little bit hidden from view and close to the toilets.  
Merlin already has started eating, when Arthur slips into the seat opposite of him. For a minute he watches him eat without saying anything. It’s like watching a starving man finally getting his hands on food.  
“Merlin...” Arthur says tentatively reaching for Merlin’s hand, that reaches out for the chips. “Don’t do that, please? You’re going to be sick.” Merlins hand is covered in grease and salt. He doesn’t look at Arthur when he pulls his hand away and instead of picking up his chips, unwraps his third burger.  
Arthur knows that he has no chance stopping it now that the binge has started. It’s like trying to pull away meat from some wild, starving animal. This is not Merlin anymore, not really. All he can do is sit and watch and hope to be some kind of silent support, that Merlin will know he’s there for him when he’s back from whatever place he’s at the moment.  
Arthur nibbles at his own burger, not really hungry anymore.  
There’s a tiny moment of relaxation and content ghosting over Merlin’s face when he’s finished. But just in a blink of an eye it’s gone again.  
He looks at Arthur directly.  
“I’m sorry.” He says, his eyes shiny and sincere.  
Arthur nods. Maybe he should say it’s okay and that he doesn’t mind. But it’s not okay and he does mind. But he can acknowledge that Merlin feels sorry.  
“I need to go to the loo.” Merlin’s says warily.  
“Do you really have to? Can’t you just…not do it?” Arthur is aware thats probably a ridiculous question to ask, but he asks anyway.  
Merlin’s face contorts into a painful grimace.  
“No, I can’t!” He looks away, too ashamed to keep looking at Arthur’s pleading eyes.  
Arthur watches Merlin walk away. He can’t help but to imagine him kneeling in front of those not so sanitary toilets, shoving his fingers down his throat, retching up everything he just wolfed down.  
Arthur slams his fist down at the table, there are just so many emotions overwhelming him all at once. There’s guilt and anger, at himself but at Merlin too, he feels sad and worried and a little bit disgusted. He just wants to slam his fist into a sandbag. Work it all out. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, counts to ten slowly.  
“Hey,” Merlin says.  
Arthur opens his eyes to Merlin standing in front of him, smiling apologetically.  
“We should go, movie starts in 30 minutes.” He puts on his jacket.  
“Yeah, you’re right.” Arthur says, getting up, rubbing a hand over his eyes. So they are going to pretend that nothing happened.  
“Are you alright?” He asks, so much concern should be allowed.  
“I’m fine, come on!” Merlin says, pulling at Arthur’s sleeve with some kind of exaggerated playfulness.  
“You just threw up, you shouldn’t be fine.” Arthur can’t help but to feel a bit angry still. Merlin looks down on his shoes.  
“At least let me buy some coke. You need some sugar, I don’t want you to faint on me.”  
“I’m not going to faint Arthur, I’m fine.” He says it as if Arthur is being unreasonable silly.  
“Please, just a coke Merlin, for my sake.” Arthur pleads, his hand on Merlin’s elbow to steady him, in case he needs it.  
“Ok, a coke. But at the cinema, I can’t drink and walk at the same time, I’m way to clumsy.” Merlin agrees, just to make these worry lines on Arthur’s face go away.


	11. Skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies, I’m back. It’s only a short chapter and it took me long enough, but don’t worry, this story is not abandoned and I will finish it, that much I promise.  
> That being said, I wanted to thank anyone who still reads it, gives kudos and comments. That means so much to me.  
> I hope everyone had a good start into the new year!  
> Well, but now it’s time for some Angst...

“You are avoiding me.” Merlin says in a matter of fact tone. He leans next to Arthur’s door, arms crossed in front of his chest.  
Arthur winces a bit, because the accusation is true and he felt guilty for it all week.  
“I was just busy Merlin.” He lies, trying to avoid Merlins searching gaze.  
Merlin stretches himself out, scooping closer to Arthur as if he’s a cat, looking for a cuddle. Arthur fumbles with his keys nervously.  
“Did I scare you off the other day. Do you think I’m disgusting?” His tone is light, not matching the seriousness of his question as if to dare Arthur to agree.  
Arthur shakes his head and with a gesture of his hand, he invites Merlin to step into his Apartment.  
Viv squeals, overjoyed, that Arthur has brought a guest. Merlin kneels down to cuddle her copiously.  
Arthur takes off his jacket and places his shoes neatly next to each other, just to delay this conversation as long as possible. He doesn’t really know what to tell Merlin.  
“I’m not disgusted Merlin,” he says quietly sitting down on his couch. Merlin, who is still very busy petting the dog, snaps his head up and stares at Arthur suspiciously, ready to condemn everything he says as a lie.  
Arthur sighs, “I have to admit, that you shocked me, I didn’t expect it and I’ve never seen anyone doing something like that before. And I’m not gonna lie, it’s kind of disturbing too,” he holds out his hand, to signalize, that he’s not done talking yet. “But I’m not disgusted, I’m worried and I think you should get help.”  
Merlin only shakes his head, looking at him with big eyes and Arthur suddenly has the feeling, that he’s looking at a frightened child.  
“Come here.” He says softly, extending his hand to Merlin.  
Reluctantly Merlin sits down next to him, nervously he fidgets with his hands and Arthur puts his own hands on top of Merlin’s to calm him down.  
“I know it’s scary, and it’s hard, recovery, but it’s also so worth it. It’s hard and it’s painful, but I believe you can do it Merlin. You can get through this.” He’s surprised, when Merlin presses his dry lips against his own. It’s not as soft and loving as he imagined it too many nights to count, and he can feel the desperation behind the kiss, but he can’t help to kiss back.  
Finally his brain catches up with his body and he carefully pushes Merlin away, holding him on his pointy elbows.  
“What are you doing?”  
“I just want you to hold me.” Merlin mumbles, leaning his head on Arthur’s shoulder.  
Arthur breath in the scent of Merlin’s dark locks and instead of pulling away, he draws Merlin closer to his chest.  
He’s not sure if Merlin genuinely wants him to hold him, or if this is just a trick, to get out of a conversation he doesn’t want to have. But either way, Arthur has not the strength to refuse him. Merlin’s hands are caressing his sides, they wander down to his thighs and Arthur can feel the rational thoughts slipping away from him. He tries one last time, to stop this, but Merlin’s grip only gets stronger.  
“I need you Arthur, please.” He whispers and now Arthur is wax in his hands. He lets Merlin kiss him, his eyes falling shut, just exploring Merlin’s frail body with his fingers. He opens his eyes to the milky white tone of Merlin’s skin, stretching delicately over his bones. He’s thin, maybe a little bit too thin, but not worrisome though. He’s enchanted with the way Merlin’s skin shimmers, like nacre in the inside of a sea shell. 

They fall asleep in each other’s arms, warm and exhausted and Arthur hopes, that Merlin can feel how much he loves him and how much he wants to protect him. 

But later that night he wakes up to an empty, cold spot next to him and too loud music from the neighbors flat.  
And for the first time in ages, he cries into his pillow. Agony he thought he had left behind long ago, makes him scream silently. He never was good in voicing his pain, not like Merlin on the other side of the wall, who makes him be part of his, wether he wants to or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is on hiatus. If you are looking for Merthur Angst go to my other story’s, the newest one is called Ghost in the mirror. Looking forward to see you there! Love  
> Amrais


	12. Scars

“Arthur! Open.The.Fucking.Door!” Morgana’s hammering threatens to break the door down. It drones through Arthur’s head, like the sound of the church bell echos through an empty church. Viv is barking like crazy, and the noise nearly makes him want to puke. He mobilizes his strength to get up from the bed, where he passed out last night, still in his work clothes.  
“What?” He snaps, when he opens the door.  
Morgana looks more worried than angry and that tells Arthur, that he has to look really horrible.  
“You stink.” His sister states, but puts her arms around him anyway.  
“What’s going on?” She asks, pushing him away to get a closer look.  
“Nothing, I’m fine.” He says turning away from her.  
“Nonsense, you’re not fine.” She points at the glass on the coffee table and the half empty bottle of vodka next to it. “You’re drinking. That means things are bad.”  
Arthur shrugs his shoulders, he has a headache and his sisters presence doesn’t make it better.  
“Show me your hands.” She demands and Arthur, like an naughty school boy, holds out his hands to her.  
The scraps from a few weeks ago have healed up nicely and are barely visible now. Morgana runs her fingertips softly over her brothers scarred knuckles.  
“That’s good.” She says, meaning the lack of open wounds. Arthur nods.  
“Why are you here anyway?”  
She goes to pick up the glass and the bottle, emptying it’s content into the sink. Arthur refrains himself from telling her that he had to skip a decent dinner in order to buy the alcohol. It would make her mad.  
“Leon and Percy both called me. They were worried, because you haven’t shown up to training in the last two weeks and you won’t answer their calls. And you were never there, when they tried to visit. I bet you just ignored them, didn’t you? So I thought I’d come down here to check on you.”  
Arthur doesn’t answer.  
Morgana walks over to the couch and pats the empty spot beside her.  
“Tell me what’s wrong.” She commands, but it’s the concern in her eyes, that’s making him sit down and tell her about Merlin. Everything about it. How much he’s in love and how much it hurts, knowing that Merlin is suffering. Morgana sighs, when Arthur has finished speaking.  
“You always fall in love with the most messed up guys, you know that? Like the last one? Wasn’t he an Alcoholic?”  
“Well, I met him at the clinic, what did you expect?” He reminds her.  
“Maybe you fall for those guys, so you don’t have to deal with your own problems?” She asks seriously.  
“You’re good in selling houses to rich people, but please do not try to analyze me, that’s really not your strong point, sis.” His headache is coming back full force.  
“But you know that you can’t help him. He’s not going to get better, just because you are in love with him. I know this is hard to hear, but I also know that you know that and that’s why you are feeling like shit now.” Morgana states and all Arthur can do is agree. Leave it to Morgana to make the point so painfully clear.  
She gently rubs his shoulders. “And that’s why it’s time for a bit self love. I want you to take care of yourself properly. This whole situation is bringing you down, I think you need to get out of here for a while. Get a bit of distance from the situation, so that you can take some time thinking about it, decide what you are going to do, if there’s anything you can do. I suggest, you take a shower, pack a few things and then you come and stay at mine for a few days or so.” She orders cheerfully.  
“What? No, I can’t.” He protests.  
“Why not? Because of Merlin? You aren’t much help to him, when you are moping around like that. And I’d rather have an eye on you now, to be honest.”  
“I told you I’m fine!”  
“That’s what you always say and it’s never true. Like last time when things got bad and you wouldn’t talk to anyone? You managed to break your finger by punching the wall!” She’s getting upset now.  
Arthur knows that he’s going to give in, when she looks at him like that, there’s nothing he can do against it. Besides that, she’s right. If he stays on his own when he’s feeling like that, he might do something stupid again. And he really doesn’t want that.  
“But what about Uther, I really don’t want to run into him right now.”  
“He’s not even in the country. He’s sorting a few things out in Ireland and won’t be back for another week.”  
“Alright then, your wish is my command.” He makes a silly bow in her direction, that makes her smile again.  
“You know how much I miss you. I wish you would come back and we could be a real family again.” She looks at him with glassy green eyes.  
“Morgana…” he doesn’t know what to say.  
“I know he hurt you, I know he did, but don’t you think you could forgive him? I mean after all this time?”  
“I don’t think I can…” Arthur says quietly, sitting back down again. “And maybe there are some things I can’t forgive myself either.” He reaches out and tentatively places his fingertips on a spot next to her right shoulder, where he knows a finger-length scar is hidden beneath her cashmere sweater.  
“That was ages ago.” She catches his fingers in her hand. “I’ve forgiven you. And you apologized a thousand times, it’s okay Arthur.”  
“I threw a glass at you! If it hadn’t missed your face by a few inches, you’ve could have gone blind.”  
“But it missed, I’m not blind and you should stop to beat yourself up over it. You weren’t yourself back then.” She squeezes his hand reassuringly.  
“I hurt you over a stupid fight. It’s unforgivable.” Arthur says shortly, he has made up his mind on this topic a long time ago.  
“You have punished yourself enough over that. And you’ve work hard on you and your problems, you’ve come such a long way. I don’t hold a grudge against you. Far from it. I’m really proud of you. You know, this scar reminds me every day how much I love you and how grateful I am that you are still around. I could have lost you then, and I know what Uther did was wrong, but I’m actually glad, that he did it, because I.. we couldn’t have borne to lose you.” Her eyes are shining too bright with unshed tears. Arthur feels guilty for all the times he made her cry.  
“Let’s not talk about it, please?” He asks her. “I bet you already have plans for tonight. Tell me about them.”  
Just as expected she perks up again.  
“Oh, there’s this new restaurant that just opened, I wanted to try it out. And tomorrow, when your hangover is cured, maybe we could borrow a car, if you want to. I have a friend who works at the Tesla store. We could take one for a test drive.” Arthur has to smile at her excitement. Ah, the perks of coming from a rich family, life can be so much fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who wouldn’t want to have a sister like that?


	13. What's in the past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter, despite me drowning my phone in the toilet. I was able to save a draft chapter before it died on me, brave thing... This was up a couple minutes before, but then I had to delete it again, because I noticed how messed up the format was...so here we go again. Sorry!  
> At least you get Arthur's and Merlin's past in one chapter, let me know how you like it...  
> The format might still be a little messed up, if so I'm going to fix that later...  
> Kudos and comments are always very appreciated!!!
> 
> Tw for self harm and ED

Merlin is getting nervous. Arthur is gone the third day and he doesn’t know where he is and why he hasn’t told him that he was leaving. He thought that they were closer, that Arthur would tell him stuff. Instead he barely talked to him the last few weeks and now he has disappeared without saying anything. He knows that he has hurt him, he knows that Arthur is in love with him and he thinks he might be developing feelings for his neighbor too, even though he’s trying to fight it. Maybe that’s why he’s been so cruel, trying to deliberately hurt Arthur. And now he seems to have succeeded in pushing him away. It doesn’t feel as liberating as he thought it would. He doesn’t want to fall in love again, never wants to be that vulnerable again. He thinks that Arthur is a good guy, but he had been wrong once, he can’t relay on his feelings anymore. He’s been binging and purging more than usual, to rid himself of these emotions he can’t control, but it’s not really helping. It only makes things seem out of control even more.  
He picks up his phone for the hundredths time today, wondering if he should just call Arthur. Only to see if he’s alright. That’s what a friend would do, isn’t it?  
So before he can overthink this some more, he hits the call button next to Arthur’s name.  
“Hey Merlin.” Arthur picks up after the third ring. “What’s up?”  
Merlin forces himself to sound cool, “Oh nothing much, I was just wondering where you’ve disappeared to.”  
“I’m with my sister.” Arthur says. There’s an awkward pause.  
“Are you alright?” Merlin asks tentatively.  
Arthur says nothing for a moment. “I’m fine.” It doesn’t sound like it.  
“Are you sure?”  
“I’ve been better, to be honest. But that’s why I’m staying with Morgana. She knows how to cheer me up.” He laughs a little and it makes Merlin’s heart beat faster.  
“Is it my fault? That you left?” He knows that he sounds insecure.  
“No.” Arthur says immediately, “of course not. Sometimes everything gets too much and I have to get away for a bit. It’s not your fault.”  
“Okay.” Merlin says relived.  
“I’ll be home on Friday, let’s talk then?” Arthur suggests and Merlin hums in agreement.  
“I miss you.” He adds shyly.  
“I miss you too.” He thinks he can hear a smile in Arthur’s voice when he says that.

By Friday afternoon Merlin is a nervous wreck. Arthur had asked him to come over for tea and he’s been awake all night, mulling over what he wants and what he’s going to tell Arthur.  
Getting closer to Arthur has reawakened his longing for a relationship. For all the good things that are supposed to come with it. He wants to lean on someone again, trust someone. To care and be cared for. He wants that warm feeling when sex stops being just sex, but becomes making love. He wants to feel close to someone again. He wants to feel close to Arthur.  
He wants all that with a nearly painful longing and it’s just in front of him, he only has to reach out, grab it and hold onto it. It could be so easy, but it really isn’t. He’s terrified to take this step. What if he gets hurt again, he’s not the same person he was before. He knows he’s become distrustful and wary of everything, he used to be so positive, now there are days he wonders why he’s still hanging on. He has not much to offer and he doesn’t understand why Arthur seems to like him like that. And then there’s the binging and purging. His little coping mechanism had developed into a full blown eating disorder, he knows that and he also knows that Arthur wants him to stop. But he’s not sure if he wants to stop, if he even can stop. For some time now he can feel the side effects of his habits. There’s a constant tingling and sizzling in his hands, he feels so tired and weak all the time, but more often than not he can’t sleep through the night. His throat and oral cavity are often raw and he has little sore spots on his gums that are healing badly. If he keeps going like that he’ll will lose his teeth, they are over sensitive by now. His skin is dry and his fingers are sometimes scrubbed bloody, to get the smell out of his skin. No matter how rigorously he washes himself in the shower, he always has that stench in his nose for hours or even days afterwards.  
He knows that he needs to stop it, but he doesn’t know how.

He takes a shower when he comes home, even though he’d taken one this morning. Then he pulls out one of his best dress shirts and dresses himself in front of his mirror. He can’t say that he looks bad, all in all he’s quite content with himself.

When Arthur opens the door, Merlin sees, that he, too, has made an effort with his appearance. He wears jeans instead of his usual sweatpants and a white button down shirt. He smells freshly showered, his hair is still a bit damp. All that Merlin wants to do, is to burry his nose into Arthurs neck, breath in the clean smell and cover his skin with kisses. Instead he turns his attention to Viv, who demands to be cuddled. It's the perfect way to hide his embarrassment.

"How have you been?" Arthur asks over the meal. Its chickenbreast with tomatoes, cheese and salad and it makes Merlin realize, that he hasn't had something fresh to eat in over a week.  
"I'm fine." he says, "You?"  
Arthur shrugs his shoulders. "It's always nice to be with Morgana, she has a way of making life fun, but sometimes I feel as if it isn't real, you know? I don't belong there anymore, maybe I never have."  
"Do you miss it?" Merlin cant help, but ask.  
"I miss having a family, I do miss my father, even though I tell him that I hate him, it's not true, not really anyway. And of course I miss having money, but now it means something else to me, than it did back then. I wouldn't spend it on the same things anymore."  
"On what did you spend your money back then?"  
"It wasn't even my money, it was my fathers, but I did spend it mostly on parties, clothes, drugs. I hadn't worked a day in my life, before I needed to in order to survive, having non of it suddenly, well let's say it certainly teached me some lessons.” He smiles a little wistful smile.  
“On what would you spend it now?” Merlin finishes the last bite on his plate and he needs to keep talking right now, because it’s getting harder to eat normally and to keep it in too. It’s nearly a reflex that makes him gag sometimes, involuntarily.  
Arthur stands and takes the plates over to the sink. “First of all, I would get out of this shithole, get something nice, maybe a bit outside of the city. With a garden for Viv. I think I would like to finish my studies. I want to travel and I would want to share the money. My Dad has a foundation, but it’s just because it is expected from a man in his position, not because his heart is in it. But this are all dreams, it is as it is now, and I can't really complain, can I? I have a roof over my head, I have enough to eat, I have my freedom and most important, I have nice neighbours." He smiles at Merlin over his shoulder.  
Merlin gets up and steps behind Arthur, wrapping his arms around him from behind, pressing himself against Arthur's muscular body.  
"Merlin..." Arthur says softly and carefully tries to slip out of Merlin's grip. "Please, don't do that." He sounds miserable. Merlin takes a step back.  
"What do you mean?"  
"You know that I have feelings for you, but I know that you don't feel the same for me and honestly I don't think that I can keep doing that, sleeping with you and than waking up alone and you..." He doesn't finish his sentence, he just looks at Merlin, blue eyes piercing in his soul. "It hurts, Merlin, and I can't handle it. I'm sorry." He turns away, to hide his pain.  
Merlin already knew that Arthur was afflicted by his behaviour, but being told face to face makes him feel the pain now too. "I'm sorry." He whispers, " I' m sorry for doing this to you. I understand if you don't want to be with me. But I wanted to tell you, that I have feelings for you too."  
"It's not that I don't want to be with you, I want that more than anything else, but I can't watch you destroy yourself, I can't stand to be used and manipulated." He holds up his hand to keep Merlin from interrupting him, "I know that you don't see it that way, and I know that you can't help it, because your eating disorder is taking over you life and you are refusing to get help, to aknowledge that it is killing you... I can't be the unaffected bystander you want me to be."  
Now there are tears running down Merlin's cheeks, there are mostly angry tears, how could Arthur say things like that, how could he judge him like that?  
"You don't know what you are talking about!" He hisses furiously.  
"But I do." Arthur says calmly. "Not what you are going through exactly, but I know that you don't know how to stop, that you addicted to your self destructive behavior, and maybe you really have feelings for me, but most of all you are looking for someone to save you. I can't be that someone, because the only person that can save you, is yourself. I know it sounds like something out of a bad book, but unfortunately, its true."  
Merlin has calmed down a bit, listening to what Arthur had to say. "How, how I'm supposed to make it stop, to save myself? I don't want this, I never did but it keeps happening and I can't stop myself anymore." Its the first time he admits, even to himself that he has lost control.  
"I didn't mean that you have to do it all by yourself, I'm always here to support you, but the most important step would be to get professional help. Not only for your mental health, but you should know what damage you've already done to your body." Arthur sits back down again.  
"I don't think therapy will help, I tried it once and it made everything even worse." Merlin shakes his head in memory of this unpleasant encounter.  
"The beginning is hard, I know, but it gets better. And of course there are people that are doing a better job then others. It's not always easy to find the right therapist from start." Arthur sighs, " but I can help you with that." Merlin just looks at him in surprise and Arthur sighs again.  
"I'll only tell you this once and then, I don't ever want to talk about it again, OK?"  
Merlin nods. Arthur gets up and walks over to the couch, he sits down and waits for Merlin to get comfortable next to him, before he starts to talk.  
"When I was sixteen I came out to my family, and all my father said was that I should be careful and use protection. So basically you could say, that he was accepting. But to me, it felt like he was disappointed, but this was nothing new, I always had been insecure, I always thought that I wasn't good enough. He had all these plans for me and I was struggling to fulfill them. I didn't do bad in school, but certainly not as good as he wanted me to. In front of my friends I his my insecurities and always acted like a right arse. We were the "cool kids" and we bullied some of the other kids pretty heavily. I'm not proud about that, but it made me feel strong and superior. Some of my oldest friends stopped to hang out with me, because I was such an arsehole. In secret I felt so lonely and so wrong, I was disgusted by my behaviour and I really hated myself. It was like I was trapped in my own skin and I couldn't do anything about it. Then I discovered that drugs and booze did the trick, for a few hours I could be free, I could stop thinking. When I was high or drunk I didn't care about other people's expectations. But when I was drunk, my self loathing turned on everyone else and I became aggressive. So on the weekends I let it all out, I got into countless fights, sometimes they ended in the ER. Money could more or less fix everything and it didn't really had any consequences for me. Sure my Dad was not pleased, but I told myself that I didn't care anymore. I was going on like that and I was close to be expelled from school, but then one night I got into a fight with my sister. She yelled at me, because I hadn't cleared out the dishwasher like I was supposed to do. I grapped a glass and threw it at her. I didn't even think, I just did it. It just missed her face and exploded on the wall behind her. The shards were literally raining down on her and one shard got stuck in her shoulder. She started screaming and suddenly there was blood everywhere. I had to call an ambulance and they took her to the hospital and stitched her up. We never told Uther what really had happened and she only said it was an accident. She still has the scar, you know. I felt so guilty, I had hurt my sister and it was pure luck nothing worse had happened. Morgana forgave me, but I couldn't deal with it. I started to think about myself as a monster. I stopped the drugs and the drinking, but the rage stayed, and I saw no other way than to take it out on myself." He pauses and looks at Merlin.  
"I broke this finger twice," he holds up the index finger of his left hand, "and this one once." He spreads his hand to show Merlin his ringfinger.  
"It's a bit croocked, because I didn't went to the hospital right away and they had to break it again. The other hand too, it still aches when it's cold or rainy outside, well in this life I'm not going to be a famous pianist."  
"How on earth did you manage to break your fingers." Merlin feels cold just by thinking about the pain.  
"Oh, I had some sport trophy's that were pretty heavy, you know. You just have to get the right ankle and feel enough rage to drown out the fear. There's a natural inhibition threshold, that normally keps us from hurting ourselves, but if you overstep it once its getting easier to overstep it a second time and then again and again, it gets worse gradually and then nothing feels enough." Merlin nods in agreement, he knows what Arthur means.  
"It started out with hitting myself with my own fists, then it graduated to punching walls, sometimes scraping my knuckles until they bled. My skin was littered with bruises, but I didn't even try to hide them. When somebody asked, I said I had gotten them playing football or something like that. They believed everything I told them. When people hear the word self harm they usually think about cutting, but I found so many ways to hurt myself that werent cutting. Finaly my father walked in on me, piercing my own skin with a hefter and that was it. I tried to mask it as an accident, but he put one and one together, all these injuries and broken bones I had had." Arthur stops talking and takes a sip from his glass, Merlin can see how his hand is shaking, ever so slightly. He puts his own hand on Arthur's knee.  
"You don't have to tell me, if it's too hard." He says gently.  
"No, it's ok, I want to tell you." Arthur takes a deep breath.  
"I'm not really sure what happened next. It's a bit hazy. I think I remember him yelling at me, shaking me. I know he asked a lot of questions and I must have had some kind of break down. I don't remember everything I said, but I basically told him how I really felt. That I never would be good enough, how messed up I was and the things I did to myself, how lonely I was. At some point I must have started to cry and I couldn't stop crying. He was holding me, promising that everything was going to be alright, that he was going to help me and I would be better soon. I believed him. He gave me some pills to help me calm down and he stayed with me until I fell asleep. When he woke me up the next day, it was nearly noon and I thought he was kind enough to cut me some slack and let me rest. I still was somewhat out of it. He helped me dress and then he guided me downstairs. They were already waiting for me, right by the stairs. Two paramedics, built like bouncers. I can't remember if I understood what was going on, the only thing I can't forget is how scared I was, when they dragged me away, they loaded me onto a stretcher and strapped me down. I was terrified, I thought I was going crazy, they had to sedate me because I struggled so much. I woke up in a room. I didn't know where I was, I never had seen the room before. I got out of bed and tried to find out where I was. There was a bag with my things, but not much else. I stepped into the corridor and followed the noise coming from a room. It was like a common room, with a few people lunging around, watching Telly. Then they saw me and a woman stood up and came to me. She guided me away and made me sit down in a room that looked like an office. She asked me if I knew where I was. It felt like a dream. It was so confusing. Then she told me that I was in an private facility just outside of the city and they would try to help me."  
Merlin can't even imagine how Arthur must have felt, suddenly being placed somewhere without knowing where and without his consent, alone and scared. How could a parent do something like that?  
"She said they would show me around in the morning, that I would need to fill out some forms, so they could evaluate my mental health. I would meet my therapist in the morning and I should get some more rest. She was kind and understanding and asked me if I wanted to have something to help me sleep again. I still was so confused and scared, so sleep sounded like a good idea. She gave me a pill and showed me the way back to my room. The next morning I saw things clearer. My father had dumbed me in a psychiatric facility, without asking me or even telling me. If course it was not one if these horrible hospitals you see in movies or something like that. Actually the place was very nice. A big old house, ten patients at the max, all between thirteen and eighteen. We all had our private rooms, a common room with books, boardgames and television. We had our meals all together around one big table, patients,nurses, the cook and sometimes the doctor too. They tried really hard for a friendly atmosphere. Sometimes it was nice, sometimes it wasn't, but once I accepted it, it felt like the first save space I ever encountered." Arthur smiles slightly when he thinks back at it.  
"When my Dad came to visit, I refused to speak to him. And he told me he had me committed because I had told him, that I was thinking about killing myself. He cried, when he said that."  
"Did you? Say that you wanted to commit suicide?" Merlin asks.  
"I honestly can't remember. I might have, I was thinking about it all the time back then." Arthur shrugs his shoulders.  
"Do you still think about it?"< Arthur shrugs again.  
"yeah, sometimes. Who doesn't? But it's different now.It's just a thought that passes as soon as it comes." He says indifferently.  
"In the beginning, I refused to talk to my therapist as well, but she had a way of talking and asking questions, that coaxed me into talking, and it helped, I swear I never thought it would, but it did. Of course they put me on medication too, but what really help were the things she made me think about and how she made me face some unpleasant truths. It was a painful process, I had to learn to take responsibility for my actions, I needed to learn that I couldn't blame anyone else and that I had to make the right desicions every damn time. My time there really did help me to get out of the hole I digged myself in, it gave me hope and the realization that I was my own person. But it didn't make the relationship to my father any easier. When ever he came to see me, or for family session, we would fight. And when they finally let me go home, after nearly five months there, it was horrible. I was watched the whole time, I wasn't aloud to do anything on my own. I felt just as powerless as I did when he had me taken away the way he did. I couldn't forgive, I understood where he was coming from, but I couldn't forgive, especially not with the kind of pressure and control he was building up. As soon as I turned eighteen I moved out. And then I had to cut all ties, because he wouldn't accept it." "How did you do it?" Merlin is impressed by Arthur's will to fight for himself. He doesn't now if he has it in him to do the same.  
"It was hard at first, I stayed with some friends for a while, but eventually I had to move out and then I had nothing. I even spend some time in a homeless shelter and they helped me to get back on my feet. They showed me how to file for unemployment and helped me to find a flat and a job. I moved a lot in the past five years and its only since I moved here, that my father found out my address again."  
While Arthur was talking, darkness had settled in and now they sitting on the couch together, so close that their shoulders are touching. It's never silent in a city like that, but it's a deeper sence of silence between them.  
"I've been in an abusive relationship for three years..." Merlin says suddenly. He thinks Arthur deserves to know the truth, after he has poured his heart out to him, even if shame makes his cheeks burn.  
"I know." Arthur says softly. "You don't have to be ashamed, its not your fault."  
Merlin ignores Arthur's comment.  
"He would always yell at me, call me names and told me how stupid and worthless I was." Merlin plays with his hands, talking about it is like trying to talk around something painful stuck in his chest.  
"Did he hit you too?"  
"Not very often, a couple of times, but usually he would keep it to the verbal abuse. I just stumbled into the relationship without realizing how controlling he was, I thought he just cared for me." Merlin tries to swallow the big lump that is building in his throat.  
"When I started to realize what he was doing to me, it was already too late. He had complete control over my finances and I had no contact with any of my old friends anymore. So I was alone, just with him and all these awful thoughts he had planted in my head. I was on edge all the time, trying to be perfect for him. Two years into this relationship I was a bundle of nerves. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat properly. That's how it started, I only felt relaxed enough to eat when he wasn't around and that's how the overeating started. The first time I threw up wasn't on purpose, I just ate too much too fast. But when it was over, the physical exhaustion made my mind come to a rest. It felt so good, to feel so empty, I was so exhausted, that I simply didn't care what he would say or do... I finally had some peace. So the next time I had the chance I threw up deliberately. I rediscovered my body and a part of my mind as my own, something that only I had control over. This was my thing and he couldn't take it away from me." Merlin can't help but to feel a misplaced sense of pride, when he thinks about it.  
"Did he know?"  
"I guess, I honestly wasn't very subtle about it. He never said anything though." Merlin shakes his head.  
"Now, I'm not in control anymore and I still can't give it up."  
"Well, you've been holding on to it for so long, you feel like it has saved you, it feels like the only thing that really belongs to you, doesn't it? It's not easy to let it go, I understand." Arthur carefully takes his hand.  
"But if you want to fight it, I'm always here to fight by your side. If you want me to, that is." "  
I don't know yet. Maybe." Merlin feels uncomfortable by the thought of losing this big part of his life.  
"You don't have to decide it tonight, Merlin. Maybe we should get some sleep, huh? 

They lay down on Arthur's bed together, still in their clothes. Viv happily takes her place by their feet, warming both of them. When Arthur wakes up the next morning, Merlin still sleeps in his arms peacefully.


	14. Support

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t know much about the health system in the UK, but in some points it’s not too different from ours...

Arthur arranges an doctors appointment for Merlin, making sure that Leon is the one to have a look at him. He trusts Leon to be empathetic and not to scare him away by the diagnosis given indifferently or to tell him that it is his own fault, he’s sick now.  
He can tell that Merlin’s afraid to go into the examination room. His legs bouncing up and down while they sit and wait for Merlin to be called in. It’s Thursday morning 10 am and they both have taken time off of work to be there, even if Merlin has told Arthur several times, that he could go alone.  
“Do you want to go alone?” Arthur had asked, because the last thing he wanted to do was to smother Merlin and make him feel controlled. After shortly thinking about the question, Merlin silently had shook his head.  
Arthur had smiled. “Then I’m coming.”  
Now he reaches over and takes one of Merlin’s cold hands in his, mainly to keep him from picking at his sore looking cuticles. He doesn’t know if this is the right thing to do, after a few nights prior he had refused a possible relationship between them. But that’s what his reason says, not his feelings.  
Merlin relaxes a bit and leans slightly into Arthur’s side, what makes Arthur’s heart speed up almost uncomfortably.  
The door in front of them opens and Leon steps out behind a patient, sending the orderly woman on her way, before turning to Merlin and Arthur with a welcoming smile. He looks good in his pale blue scrubs and white coat, just like a young self-confident doctor should look like. Arthur feels a sudden sting of envy, his friends have accomplished so much more than him. But as fast as the feeling flared up, its gone again. Whatever he would have accomplished by now, only would have been what his father wanted. He reminds himself to be proud of what he has achieved all by himself.  
“Merlin?” Leon asks friendly and Arthur gets up, gently dragging a reluctant Merlin with him.  
“Hey Leon.” He says, letting go of Merlin’s hand to hug his friend. “This is Merlin, be nice!” He warns him playfully. Leon nods.  
“I’m always nice.” He steps aside to make room for Merlin, who looks at Arthur with terrified eyes.  
“You’ll be fine. I’ll wait for you outside.” Arthur says calmly, squeezing Merlin’s hand one last time. Merlin follows Leon inside like a lamb to the slaughter. 

“So, I understand that you have Bulimia and you are here for a check up?” Leon asks, after he had offered Merlin a chair to sit on.  
Merlin swallows, trying to suppress his anxiety. He nods to Leon’s question. “And maybe a referral to a therapist.” He adds.  
“Of course.” Leons smile is encouraging and Merlin’s nervousness is easing up a little bit.  
“I need you to stand up and undress, just your shirt should be enough. If you feel uncomfortable during the examination, just say so, we can take a break. Alright?”  
Merlin nods again and ducks behind the folding screen to undress. He only needs to pull his jumper an T-Shirt over his head and he wouldn’t have needed to do that behind screen, but it would feel strangely intimate to do it in front of Leon. He steps around the screen, shivering in the cold air, wrapping his arms protectively around his torso.  
Leon already has put on some gloves and now waits patiently for Merlin to uncross his arms. He warns Merlin of the coldness of the stethoscope, before he presses it to his chest and back. The examination is over quickly, Leon so skilled and calm, that Merlin doesn’t feel that uncomfortable anymore. After being weighed and his blood pressure is being measured he can dress himself again. He relishes the comfortable warmth of his sweater. Then Leon asks some questions, about his digestion and bowel movement. Merlin is slightly embarrassed, but he tries to answer as accurately as he can. He nods, when he’s asks if he sometimes experiences a distended stomach, he hates it when that happens, and when Leon asks if he’s ever had blood in his vomit, he has to nod again.  
“But that was a year ago. I’m better now, I’m trying to stop, I do it a lot less than I used to.” He doesn’t know where the sudden panic is coming from. There’s nothing Leon can force him to do, if he doesn’t agree to it.  
“Well, that’s good to hear Merlin.” He says and gives him a tiny little smile. “However it’s not enough. You need to stop this behavior completely, in order to maintain your health. Your heart seems to be fine right now, but your blood pressure is too low and you are a bit underweight. Even if you aren’t binging and purging at the moment, you need to change your eating habits, there not healthy, aside from your bulimic tendencies. It would be good for you to have five smaller meals a day and not more or less eat once a day. Going hungry all day leads you to overeat then. I would recommend, that you start a food diary, write down what you are eating and when you are eating. Try to establish a routine and see if you can manage to have your meals always around the same time. That’ll help you to stay in control of your hunger and should keep you from overeating accidentally. For the emotional part of this disorder and any possible undiagnosed underlining mental health issues, I would recommend you start therapy as soon as possible. I can give you a list of numbers from some psychiatrists and psychologist. I hope you’ll be able to get an appointment with a psychiatrist quickly, but it could take a while, until you get a spot for regular appointments with a therapist. They usually have long waiting lists. But don’t let that discourage you. If you want to recover, you are on the right way. Maybe you won’t have to wait at all, or if you do, you could turn to a support group. Some counseling centers offer them for eating disorders too. Do you have any questions?” Leon looks at him expectantly, but Merlin shakes his head mutely. He feels overwhelmed and despite everything that Leon just said has lost all hope of getting help anytime soon. It’s too much and he can’t do it on his own.  
“Are you alright? I know it’s a lot to take in at once.” Leon says kindly, but there’s not much he can do right now.  
Merlin nods his head.  
“I’m going to get you these addresses and numbers and some basic information. If you wait here, I’ll send you a nurse to take a sample of your blood, just in case. Alright?” He asks and Merlin nods again, what else can he do?  
Leon steps out of the room and leaves Merlin to stare at his hands in solitude. 

Arthur gets up from his chair when he sees his friend coming out of the examination room.  
“Where’s Merlin?” Is the first thing he asks and Leon raises his eyebrows at him.  
“He’s waiting for a nurse to take his blood, relax.” He says.  
“I think I’ve scared him a bit and that I had to tell him about the long waiting lists for open therapy spots isn’t exactly encouraging. So he’s a bit down at the moment.” Leon says as much as he’s allowed to say.  
“I’ll take care of him.” Arthur assures Leon.  
“And what about you Arthur, how are you? You know we worry if you don’t show up at the gym.” Leon is not sure if he likes Arthur’s affection for Merlin. Arthur has been relatively stable for years now, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to handle someone else’s problems on top of his own.  
“I’ll be there tomorrow, yeah? Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.” Arthur smiles at his friend.  
“It’s very nice, what you are trying to do for Merlin and he needs all the support he can get, but please don’t forget to take care of yourself too, ok? And talk to us if it gets to hard. He’s not even in recovery yet, this is going to be a difficult time for him.” Leon warns him. And even if he rather would not hear it, he knows that it is true.  
“Thank you.” He says and squeezes Leon’s shoulder.  
“Anytime.” Leon responds and then hurries to fetch the promised information for Merlin. 

When Merlin stumbles out of the room, seeming a bit distraught and lost in thoughts, Arthur takes the files for him and leads him through the corridors outside.  
Before they get into the car, Arthur takes the key from Merlin and takes his hands in his, he waits for Merlin to look at him, before he starts to speak.  
“Look Merlin, I know he might have told you things that you don’t want to hear and that you are scared right now. I mean recovery is never easy, but I’m here for you and I’m convinced that you can do it. You are so strong and brave, you get through all of this.”  
Arthur is glad, when his words elicit a little smile and a quiet “okay” from Merlin.


	15. Normalcy

They move in together two years later, Merlin hasn’t relapsed for over eleven months. They move in together because they spent all their free time together anyway and Merlin hardly ever leaves Arthur’s flat. Even when Arthur’s not there, Merlin is, with Viv keeping him company.  
“Your flat is practical just a big walk in closet, isn’t it?” Arthur starts the conversation one night when they are cuddled up on the couch, eating homemade pizza. Homemade pizza is alright for Merlin, because it doesn’t feel like fast food. Fast food is his weak spot still. Merlin snorts at that thought. “Like the rich have.” He agrees.  
“What would you say if I would ask you to move in with me? We wouldn’t have to pay double rent.” Arthur focuses on the practical reason, because he’s afraid that Merlin is going to say no.  
Merlin stares at the man he’s practically married to, but still doesn’t call him his boyfriend, not officially anyways, “Like move in here?”  
Arthur shakes his head, “No, it’s a bit cramped for the both of us, I thought we could look for something a bit bigger and nicer. If we split the rent it still should be cheaper than to pay for these two shitholes separately. Don’t you think?” He reasons and Merlin finds it adorable how Arthur is talking his way around simply saying that he wants to move in with him for real. So he snuggles closer to him and leans into his side. “I would love to move in with you.” He says and doesn’t miss the way Arthur suddenly relaxes and smiles. He moves in closer still, pressing his mouth to Arthur’s jaw. “I would absolutely love to share a flat with you, not just the bed.” He whispers between the kisses he placed on Arthur’s neck and face. “Although sharing a bed with you is the best.” He moves to straddle Arthur, who hungrily kisses back, then he lifts him up and carries him over to the bed. Merlin remembers that night vividly as one of these where the sex is so good it puts you in a different sphere. 

Recovery had been hard, so much harder than Merlin had ever thought possible. And in the beginning it hadn’t even seemed that horrible, he stuck to the advice Leon had given him. It really was easy. Arthur usually cooked for them both, sometimes leaving the meal out on Merlin’s doorstep if he had to work late, but usually they ate together. But it only took one rough day at work and he was back to square one. And after that it was so much harder to start all over again. Recovery was made out of frustration, anger, fear and so many, many tears. But Arthur had been there through it all. He had talked him through the frustration, took his anger with an incredible stoicism and did his best to chase away the fear. He had hold him while he was crying is eyes out. He had been there to wash the vomit out of his clothes, to pick him up from the bathroom floor after a relapse, had feed him tea and soup and prepared hot water bottles that eased his stomach aches. Of course it hadn’t been all that romantic, like it may seemed in retrospect. Arthur was frustrated, angry and full of fear too. He just cried as much as Merlin did, but he was better in hiding it. They fought a lot and both of them were on the verge of giving up multiple times. Sometimes they asked themselves and each other if all this was worth it. But they always found a reason to hang on to each other and even if sometimes it was just the fear of being alone again, it still was a reason, maybe not a good one, but still a reason. Merlin had been doing pretty good, or at least he thought so, when he finally started conversational therapy and everything went to shit again. For more than three months he came home utterly exhausted if not hysterical after a session and wanted nothing more than to eat all these feelings away and then flush them down the toilet, just like the disgusting food mush he retched up again. He wanted to quit every time. It was just too painful to do it over and over again, but then again – throwing up was too.  
It got better eventually and he was able to do real work. To develop coping mechanisms that weren’t that harmful. They weren’t nearly as effective as binging was, but after a while they were good enough. Most of the time anyway. 

He got his teeth fixed and that was truly one of the most unpleasant things he ever experienced, even with being given local anesthesia. So it didn’t really hurt, but there was a uncomfortable pressure in his gums for days. But the dentist had done a good job and they just looked like real, healthy teeth. Merlin loved that he could smile again without feeling self conscious. After all it had been his smile he used to get a lot of compliments on. It had been expensive, but so worth it. For him, it was a step into feeling whole again. 

But his new teeth are not the only thing that brings a smile to his face, in fact he’s gotten so used to them, as if he’s been born with them. He smiles because his boyfriend just came home and now they will have dinner together and maybe afterward watch a movie and even after that, they will go into the bedroom and maybe they will have sex or they will just cuddle up and go to sleep, like every other couple does. Except this normalcy is something very special for them and they are both grateful for it, as the fought and still are fighting for it with every breath they take.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter Chapter than usual, but I thought this would be a good point to end it where I did. 
> 
> Because I’m curious I would love to know which readers who are with this story since last year are still reading. Maybe leave a comment and let me know?
> 
> But I also would love to hear what the ones new to this story have to say...  
> Thank you for reading by the way ;)


	16. Headache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You don’t even get one chapter away from the angst. Plunging right into it again. Remember, there’s always an happy end with my stories, I promise!

Merlin wakes up with a splitting headache, the third time that week. He groans when he finally makes his way out of bed and his feet hit the cold laminate. He has already taken time of from work this week and he can’t take anymore. Begrudgingly he gets dressed and shuffles down to the kitchen. He has to suppress a gag reflex when he sees the breakfast Arthur has left out for him. His stomach feels all queasy and nausea is shaking him. He puts everything back into the fridge. Arthur would be mad if he knew that Merlin is skipping breakfast, but Merlin is positive that this isn’t his disorder, flaring up again, he’s just a bit under the weather lately, maybe it’s a cold or a stomach bug or something. He swallows two aspirin, knowing that he shouldn’t take them on an empty stomach, they won’t even help, he tried this before.  
Arthur is worried about these frequent headaches, but Merlin stalles going to the doctors. Nobody can blame him for not liking doctors offices.  
He calls for Liv and clicks her leash in, he walks her every morning now that Arthur works as security on the airport. He loves her dearly, but lately it grates at his nerves, that she takes ages sniffing around, instead of doing her business. He tugs at her leash a bit too fiercely and she starts and looks at him fearfully. He instantly feels bad for behaving like that. He’s so irritable lately and he doesn’t understand why. He never has been the aggressive type, but now, quite often he feels an inexplicable anger rage through him. He gets down on his knees to pat Liv and apologize and she nestles her head into his stomach. Thinking that she has done something wrong. Now he feels like crying. They stay like this for good ten minutes, before he remembers that he actually has to go to work. 

Work doesn’t do anything to get his spirits up, quite the contrary. He yells at Gwen for messing up his papers, so viciously that she has tears in her eyes. Worst thing is that she actually didn’t do anything and he remembers that it was himself yesterday, looking for a missing order. The last few weeks he forgot or displaced a lot of things too. He still doesn’t want to eat when lunch comes around and he knows that he has to eat, because regular meals are his best tool against the urge to binge. He takes one bite from his sandwich, but nausea is coming down so strongly, that he only holds the piece in his mouth, before he spits it into the bin. He sits and tries to breath against the sickness that seems to have settled in his whole body. Maybe he should go home, lay down, sleep off whatever this is. But he can’t. There’s so much work left unfinished and even if they do better now, they need the money this job brings in. So he clenches his teeth and goes back to work. 

Arthur is already there when he gets home, the whole flat smells like freshly baked bread and Merlin can see that Arthur is stirring what looks like his favorite tomato soup. It’s an image that should make him happy, but it just annoys him. The radio is too loud and the kitchen is a mess. Logically he knows, that in an hour he won’t be able to find a morsel, because Arthur is the clean freak around here, not him, but this headache is killing him right now and he can’t help but to feel pissed at anything and anyone.  
Arthur turns around with a smile on his face, that dies instantly when he gets sight of Merlin’s sour face.  
“Hey hon, you alright? What’s wrong?” He asks, stepping closer to Merlin, offering him a hug. Merlin turns away, not feeling worthy of so much warmth and love after he had such mean thoughts.  
“Just a bad day. I’m taking a shower.” He doesn’t tell Arthur about the headache, because Arthur only will insist he’d see a doctor again.  
They stumbling on the edge of a fight all evening, Merlin being snappy about everything and Arthur being appeasing, trying to avoid fighting. He’s hungry now, the nausea finally dormant. He knows that he’s eating too fast and he knows that Arthur notices it too. He keeps watching him with this worried look in his eyes, that makes Merlin sick all over again.  
“I’m fine.” He huffs.  
“Are you?” Arthur puts his hand over Merlin’s, the immediately spreading warmth, calming him down instantly.  
“I don’t mean to pry, but you are showing sings of relapsing. You are irritable, secretive and stressed out. You know that relapses happen, even after years…” he isn’t able to finish his sentence as Merlin cuts him off: “I’m not relapsing, I’m fine!” It would have been more believable if he wouldn’t have yelled it. He grabs his bowl and nearly throws it in the sink, hearing it making a satisfying clunk-noise. He stomps out of the kitchen, kicking Liv out of his way.  
“Oi,” Arthur shouts after him, “She didn’t do anything to you, what’s wrong with you?” He sounds angry. He’s right, of course but even if he feels bad for it, Merlin can’t get his anger under control. He can hear Arthur talk soothingly to the dog and suddenly he’s wrecked with jealousy. Arthur should come after him and offer his comfort to him, not the dog. He pretends to be asleep already when Arthur crawls into bed next to him. He pretends he doesn’t hear Arthur’s whispered “Good night.” And “I love you.”, pretends that he doesn’t feel the light kiss, placed on his temple. 

The next day isn’t any better. The headache still lingers on, not as vicious as the day before, but still there. He wonders if it’s a migraine. He’s sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to convince himself that he needs to get going, when sudden nausea overwhelms him. Bile is already rising in his throat and he only makes it to the bathroom just in time, before last nights dinner spills out of him. This position, hunched over the toilet, his knees hurting from the cold hard tile floor, sweating and crying brings back unpleasant memories. He stays like that for a while, making sure that it is really over, before he pulls himself upright. He suddenly feels a lot better. The queasiness is gone for once and he decides to go to work anyway. If he’s feeling bad again, he can always go home early.  
He gets through the day without any further incidents and he thinks that he might has thrown up whatever had made him sick. He finally feels like himself again and he apologizes sincerely to Gwen, Arthur and Liv too. They have a wonderful evening cuddling on the couch, watching The Crown, until Arthur falls asleep. 

It’s the middle of the night when the sickness comes back, shaking Merlin out of his restless, nightmare riddled sleep. It’s just as violent as it was in the morning, shaking his body with vicious attacks and when it is over, he’s too exhausted, to move from his position. Instead he rests his head on the toilet seat, trying to gather the strength to get up.  
“Merlin? What are you doing?” Arthur appears in the doorway. He stares down at him, while Merlin blinks up to him.  
“Merlin…” Arthur is lost for words, just yesterday they talked about it and Merlin insisted that everything was fine. He has to admit, that he’s disappointed.  
Merlin knows what this must look like.  
“Arthur, I didn’t relapse. I swear, I just felt sick. It’s a stomach bug or something.” Merlin rasps out. Arthur’s blank expression tells him that he doesn’t believe him.  
“I’ll get you some water.” Arthur says instead and walks away.  
The kitchen is like they have left it after dinner. He opens every cabinet door, to find out what food is missing, but it’s all there. He looks in the trash for empty food packages. There’s nothing that wasn’t there before. So if Merlin hadn’t found a new, very sneaky way to get rid of it and cover his tracks, maybe he wasn’t lying. He grabs the promised water and walks back to the bathroom. Merlin is shaking in his arms, as he helps him to sit up and drink the water.  
“How long have you felt sick for?” Arthur asks gently, while wiping away the sweat from Merlin’s forehead with a wet flannel.  
“Couple of days, I think. I had to throw up this morning too.” Merlin admits.  
Arthur tries to keep calm, while he wants to shake Merlin for his stupidity.  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks.  
“I didn’t want you to worry. You would want me to see a doctor. You were already upset about the headache.” He tries to explain himself.  
“Do you still have the headache?” Arthur is getting more anxious by the minute.  
Merlin nods.  
“Alright, lets get dressed. We are going to the hospital.” Arthur tells him, pulling Merlin up.  
“I don’t need the hospital.” Merlin protests, but he knows it is futile. The way Arthur looks at him, almost terrified, tells him that he doesn’t have a choice.  
“This could be something serious Merlin. Constant headache, this strange personality change and now vomiting? We are going NOW!” His voice is shaking and Merlin is slightly affected by Arthur’s panic too.  
“Alright, alright. We are going.” He mumbles. “But you gotta help me dress.”


	17. Hard decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry it took me sooo long and I’m afraid this chapter won’t make up for the long wait, but I obviously need a bit time to get into the game again. I hope you enjoy anyway. This story updated thanks to the nice request that reached me a few days ago, thanks!!

The A&E is packed with people and Arthur gets more nervous with every minute they have to wait. Finally they are called in only to hear that they can go home.  
“Of course you can stay here Mr. Emrys,” the doctor says in a bored tone, “but we don’t have any free beds right now and with the symptoms you are describing, we would need to do a MRT. And that is only available tomorrow morning.” He shrugs his shoulders. “If you are sure it’s not a relapse, that is.” He raises his eyebrows. Merlin only shakes his head, while Arthur has a hard time not to grab the idiot by his collar and shake some sense into him. He can’t believe this man, looking down at Merlin so arrogant, judging him without knowing what he went through. He wishes he could talk to Leon, knows that he would help them, but Leon is far away, he doesn’t even know where, working with Doctors Without Borders.  
“It’s not a relapse!” He presses through his teeth.  
“Lying is a second nature to people with these disorders.” The doctor points out coldly.  
Merlin turns his head, ashamed of himself. Of course he is a liar. He himself sometimes doesn’t know what’s true and what isn’t. But not this time.  
Arthur curls his hands into fists, he looks just about ready to deck the man in front of him. He doesn’t, out of regard for Merlin who can’t deal with violence. He just turns around and puts his hand on Merlin’s shoulder, guides him out of the room gently.  
Arthur tries to talk to a nurse, but she only shrugs her shoulders, confirms that they have indeed no free beds, least of all a room they could give to them till the morning. They go home after that. Arthur doesn’t want Merlin to sleep on a chair for the rest of the night. 

Merlin already falls asleep in the car. Arthur keeps sitting in the car, lights and engine off and he looks at Merlin’s sleeping face, illuminated by the sparse light coming from the parking lot lighting. He still looks like a young boy, even if he’s well over his twenties. He reaches out and brushes Merlin’s fringe away from his forehead gingerly. He always is overwhelmed by the love he feels for this guy.  
He stares straight ahead for a while, he knows what he has to do, even if he doesn’t want to. But he knows that he has to. For Merlin. 

He picks up his phone and scrolls through his contacts. He taps at one and holds the phone to his ear, listening to to dialing tone. The phone is picked up on the fourth ring.  
“Hi Dad.” He says. 

Merlin wakes up to the smell of coffee. Arthur’s side of the bed is empty, it even looks as if he hasn’t slept there at all tonight. He can’t recall how he’s gotten into bed. He remembers leaving the hospital, he remembers looking at Arthur’s worried face, while he was driving them through the night, after that he doesn’t know what happened. He feels a bit dizzy, but not as bad as yesterday. Slowly he gets up, trying to feel his body, trying to feel where the problem might be. This time he doesn’t know, he can’t locate any pain, not like before when he knew exactly where he was hurting. It feels strange to be so out of control, lacking the understanding of what is going on.  
He goes into the bathroom and brushes his teeth slowly, looking at himself in the mirror. He looks pale and unhealthy and he wonders if Arthur is right and something is seriously wrong with him. He shuffles down the corridor in direction of the kitchen. Suddenly he stops abruptly, because he can hear hushed voices coming from the room. Do they have company? Maybe one of Arthur’s friends, or Morgana or maybe Gwen is there to see him. Curiously he steps forward, peering into the kitchen. There’s a big, bulky man with grey hair, with his back turned to him, standing in the middle of the small room. He’s talking to Arthur, who sits at the kitchen table, his hands wrapped around a mug of coffee, looking utterly exhausted.  
His face lights up when he sees Merlin standing by the door, a little bit of life coming back to his blue eyes.  
“Merlin!” He exclaims and the man turns around instantly.  
Merlin stares into hard grayish green eyes. Despite wearing a expensive looking suit, he looks more like a fighter. A boxer or something. Maybe because of the long scar on his forehead, running down from his hairline to his left eyebrow. The wrinkles around his eyes and mouth are deep, but he doesn’t seem old, but rather strong and tough. He radiates so much natural authority, that Merlin feels like a small child under his searching gaze.  
He has seen this man before.  
“Merlin,” Arthur gets up from his chair and comes over to put an reassuring hand to his shoulder. “Meet my father, Uther Pendragon.”


	18. Bad news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it takes me so long to update for this story. Somehow I’m really uninspired when it comes to finishing it. I hope the chapter is still acceptable, even if it’s short. Thanks to everyone who is still reading it!!

“What’s your father doing here?” Merlin asks in a hushed voice as soon as Uther has excused himself from the room “to make some calls.”  
“I called him last night.” Arthur says, clearly feeling uncomfortable.  
Merlin doesn’t understand what is going on, he’s missing something. “Why?”  
“Because I’m scared that you are really ill and I want to have the best doctors looking after you. He has connections, he has the money.” He says wearily, but firmly.  
Merlin doesn’t know what to say for a moment then he blurts out: “But you hate your father!”  
Arthur smiles a tight lipped smile. “I could never hate him as much as I love you Merlin.” He says and it makes Merlin’s heart break, just a little bit.  
“But what about the money?” He asks warily, he doesn’t feel like he’s worth that much of an sacrifice.  
“We worry about the money later. Now we gotta find out what’s wrong. Alright?”  
“Right,” Merlin mumbles, letting himself be pulled to Arthur’s chest, resting his head on his shoulder. At least they got each other. 

The hospital they enter is squeaky clean and the furniture is a lot nicer than in the hospital they visited last night. The nurse behind the counter is a lot prettier and helpful too. They only have to wait a few minutes until another pretty girl appears and beckons Merlin to follow her. He wonders if they are chosen to work here because their measurements are perfect. He gives Arthur’s hand another squeeze before he gets up and follows her down the corridor. He’s lead into a room that’s clearly a examination room, as for the medical equipment that is kept in the corner, but other than that it looks like a lawyers office. An older man sits behind a huge desk, his white lab coat is flung over the back of the chair he’s sitting in. He’s reading some papers attentively and Merlin guesses that it’s his file. He looks up and smiles jovially at him. He makes a inviting gesture to the comfortable looking chair in front of his desk. Hesitating Merlin sits down.  
„So you have these symptoms for about a month?“ he asks gently and his deep voice is calming and Merlin relaxes somewhat.  
„Yes.“ he nods.  
„And it’s mainly headaches and nausea?“  
Merlin nods again. „And my balance is off sometimes and I’m irritated all the time.“ he adds.  
„I see.“ the doctor says.  
„It almost feels like when…“ he doesn’t finish his sentence. „But I swear it’s not like that. I went through therapy and everything.“  
The doctor looks at him. „I’m not here to judge.“ He says softly. „I’m here to make sure you’re healthy.“  
Merlin knows he’s payed to say things like that. He is used to patients walking in and out of here with all sorts of problems, that need to be treated discretely. And he’s payed a pretty penny not to be judgmental. But at that very moment Merlin is so very grateful for his words.  
“Ok.” He feels like crying right now.  
“Let’s get some pictures of your brain, right? The nurse will show you to the MRT.”  
There’s the same girl that guided him in at the door, smiling at him. Like in a trance he walks over to her and follows her down the long corridor.

Her fingers are cold and soft when she inserts the needle into his vein. It hardly hurts. Then she gives him earplugs and guides him to the tube where in a minute pictures of his brain will be taken.  
“It’s going to be noisy but try to relax and stay as still as possible.” She says gently. Then she gives him something in his left hand, that feels like a squeaky toy for dogs.  
“That’s for an emergency. Squeeze it if you feel claustrophobic or something. I’m right out her.”  
“Ok,” he says not able to move his head anymore, resting tightly in the headrest.

The deep hammering sound of the machine doesn’t scare him, quite the contrary, it nearly lulls him to sleep. He feels a little bit dizzy when the noise stops and the flat stretcher is reeled out again.  
The nurse tells him that he can get up now and helps him sit. She guides him away to a room with a comfortable looking bed in it. It’s a private room with a connecting bathroom, a TV and a lounge. He can’t help but wonder how much this is going to cost. The nurse leaves him with the advice to get comfortable. Only a minute later there’s a knock on the door and she’s back with Arthur in tow. Merlin feels as if he hasn’t seen him for days, although it only has been half an hour. Like long lost lovers they embrace each other.  
“The doctor will with you shortly.” The girl says gently.

They sit side by side on the bed, holding hands, when the doctor comes rustling in.  
He clips the see through black and white pictures on the illuminating screen and clicks it on.  
“I have bad news, I’m afraid.” He says gravely.


	19. Lost and found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone still reading this story, even with my horrible update schedule. It’s going to be finished soon.  
> Thanks to a nasty cold I was able to post two different chapters to two different stories in two days. If you have the time, check out my new story too...  
> Thanks for all the kudos and comments you lovely people give to me. AO3 is by far the most friendly and most rewarding community to post fanfiction on. You all mean a lot to me, even if I don’t know you!  
> Thanks so much for reading my stories.

The doctor points at a little dark spot, that to Merlin and Arthur looks like the rest of the picture, but obviously doesn’t belong there.  
“It’s a tumor.” The doctor says. “We need to cut it out. It already has grown so big, that it affects the brain tissue all around it. We operate tomorrow morning.”  
Arthur squeezes Merlin’s fingers. If this sounds absolutely overwhelming to him, what might Merlin be feeling. But Merlin’s expression is calm, almost curious.  
“And after you cut it out? Will I be completely healthy after that?” He asks.  
“You’re chances are good. The greatest risk is the surgery itself, there’s always the possibility that something happens, but once it is out, you’ll be likely to recover one hundred percent.”  
A little smile lifts the corner of Merlin’s lips.  
“See,” He says to Arthur, who looks just about ready to pass out, “everything will be alright again.”  
Arthur nods, muzzy of all the informations and emotions he’s been through the last thirty minutes. And even if Merlin isn’t, he’s fucking scared.  
“I have to take care of Viv,” he says and literally runs out of the room.  
The doctor lifts his eyebrows questioningly at Merlin.  
Merlin shrugs his shoulders.  
“He just needs some time to deal with it, he’ll be back.” He says calmly.  
“Alright, do you mind if we get over some papers and check ups, so we can operate you first thing in the morning?”  
Merlin nods his head a little. He would have preferred if Arthur had been there, but he knows his partner well enough to get that Arthur needs some time to process things by himself. 

Arthur feels the panic clawing at his chest, choking him. Nearly blind he stumbles through the door of Merlin’s hospital room and on top of panicking he feels the heavy weight of guilt crashing him. He should be the brave one, the shoulder to lean on for Merlin but instead he has turned into a anxious mess. Only the thought of loosing Merlin… it’s too much for him to handle.  
All he can think of is to get away from here, somewhere where he can be alone, somewhere where nobody can see him, somewhere he can vent his anxiety. He knows that he needs to feel pain in order to calm down again. It’s a simple mechanism and he knows how to work it.  
“Arthur?” He can hear someone call after him. “Where are you going?” He had completely forgotten his father, who was sitting outside, waiting for him. He ignores him, stumbling down a flight of stairs with no idea where they are going, just away, away from people, away from his father and even away from Merlin, who had once again made him so vulnerable. 

And then he stands in a long, deserted corridor and all he is able to think of, is to slam his fist into the wall in front of him.  
But before he can take a swing there’s a hand on his shoulder.  
“Arthur?” His father asks behind him.  
“What’s going on? What happened?”  
Arthur turns around and does something he hadn’t thought he would do ever again. He throws himself into his fathers arms.  
And he cries into his shoulder.  
Uther tightens the grip around his son and lets him cry until he has calmed down.  
“What happened?” He asks again after a while.  
“Merlin has a brain tumor, he’s going to have surgery tomorrow morning.” Arthur explains. “And I just ran out on him, because I’m scared. More than he is actually.” He snorts humorlessly.  
Uther pulls him closer again and holds him until Arthur pushes against him a bit.  
“I know this is scary, Arthur but they have the best doctors in the country.” He says gently. “They are going to fix this.”  
They stay silent for a while.  
“I’m sorry I freaked out.” Arthur apologizes. “It’s just…you know…” he can’t really express what is going on in his head right now.  
His father gives him one of his rare smiles. “I know. I know how it feels to be afraid to lose someone you love. I lost you.” He says wistfully.  
“Dad…”  
“No Arthur I know, this is only an exception and that you won’t forgive me. And that’s ok, I’m just glad that you came to me and that I had the chance to hold you again.” His voice sounds choked. “Let’s go upstairs. You need to be with your boyfriend right now.”  
“But I need to take care of my dog, I haven’t walked or feed her since this morning.” Arthur says worriedly.  
Uther extends his hand, “If you give me your key, I’ll take care of her.”  
Surprised Arthur looks at his father. “You would do that?”  
“I would do anything for you.” Uther says without missing a beat and closes his hand around the key. “Make sure Merlin’s alright.” He advises warmly.


End file.
